My Emotional Struggles: A Journey Through Anxiety and Depression

I don't know what's wrong with me?

I started noticing some issues around middle school.
During the day, I seemed normal, but every night when I returned to my room, I would feel like crying.
I would often fall asleep in tears without any specific reason; I just felt the urge to cry.
However, I would wake up the next day as if nothing had happened.
Eventually, it progressed to self-harming tendencies, such as cutting my arms with a knife or hitting the wall, yet I didn’t feel any pain.
There were several times I wished to die, wanting to disappear completely from everyone’s life, but I always rationally told myself that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that.

I underwent tests arranged by my school, which indicated that I had mental health issues and depression, but I always thought I was just under too much stress and that it would improve over time, so I didn’t seek medical help.
This situation lasted for almost two years, and when I entered high school, it became less pronounced.
However, since the second semester of my sophomore year, these feelings have slowly resurfaced, and recently they have intensified.
I find myself constantly anxious, tense, and fearful, wanting only to retreat to my room.
I often experience insomnia; when I finally do fall asleep, I frequently wake up from nightmares, feeling an inexplicable urge to cry (almost every day).

I often feel down, and I need to have an internal dialogue with another version of myself (I know it’s just me talking to myself, but I need to speak from another perspective).
I crave my own space, but I also feel scared because whenever I’m alone, I often cry uncontrollably (even now, just doodling with a pen on paper can make me tear up for no reason).
I frequently feel a deep sense of emptiness and negativity, often thinking in a pessimistic way (even though I constantly remind myself not to).
I’ve noticed that I’ve become very fragile and want to escape everything...
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me...

Xi Xi, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/07/04

Dr. Su Zongwei reply Psychiatry

This situation clearly indicates that there is an illness; please seek assistance from a psychiatric outpatient clinic.

Reply Date: 2015/07/04

More Info

It sounds like you are going through a very challenging and painful time, and I want to acknowledge the depth of your struggles. Your experiences of crying, self-harm, anxiety, and feelings of emptiness are serious and indicate that you may be dealing with significant emotional distress, possibly related to depression and anxiety disorders. It’s important to understand that these feelings are not uncommon, especially among young people facing various pressures, whether academic, social, or personal.

From what you've described, it seems that your emotional struggles have been ongoing for several years, with periods of intensity and some relief. The fact that you feel better during the day but struggle at night is a common pattern in mood disorders. Nighttime can often amplify feelings of loneliness and despair, as the distractions of the day fade away. This is a crucial time to seek support, as the thoughts and feelings that arise during these moments can be overwhelming.

Self-harm, such as cutting or hitting walls, is often a way to cope with emotional pain. It can provide a temporary release but ultimately does not address the underlying issues. It’s essential to find healthier coping mechanisms. Writing in a journal, as you mentioned, can be a helpful outlet, but it’s also important to talk to someone who can provide support, such as a mental health professional. They can help you process your feelings and develop strategies to manage them.

You mentioned that you have received feedback indicating you might have a mental health condition, yet you have hesitated to seek treatment, believing that your feelings might improve with time. While it’s true that some emotional struggles can fluctuate, persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, and self-destructive thoughts are signs that professional help is needed. Mental health conditions are not a sign of weakness; they are medical issues that can be treated effectively with the right support.

I encourage you to consider reaching out to a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. They can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and help you understand what you are experiencing. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial, allowing you to explore your emotions and develop coping strategies. In some cases, medication may also be recommended to help manage symptoms.

It's also important to build a support network. This can include friends, family, or support groups where you can share your experiences and feelings without judgment. Connecting with others who understand what you’re going through can alleviate feelings of isolation.

In terms of coping strategies, consider incorporating activities that promote relaxation and mindfulness into your routine. Practices such as meditation, yoga, or deep-breathing exercises can help reduce anxiety and improve your overall emotional well-being. Physical activity is also beneficial; even a short walk can help lift your mood.

Lastly, remember that it’s okay to ask for help. You don’t have to go through this alone, and there are people who want to support you. Taking the first step to reach out for help can be daunting, but it is a crucial part of your journey toward healing. You deserve to feel better and to find joy in your life again.

Similar Q&A

Am I Experiencing Depression? Understanding My Emotional Struggles

I would like to ask... First, when I encounter situations where I don't perform well or when I am criticized, my mood inexplicably drops for a whole day. This feeling is very uncomfortable for me, and I often find it hard to let go of what others say. My emotional fluctuatio...

Dr. Zhou Sunyuan reply Psychiatry
For psychiatrists, we cannot understand a person's inner world through instruments. Therefore, the clearer one can describe their internal experiences, the better. However, many people lack observation and awareness of their inner experiences, making it difficult to express ...

Feeling Stuck: Navigating Mental Health Challenges and Finding Hope

In the morning, I often wake up feeling heavy-hearted, and even if I wake up a little earlier, I find myself frequently checking the time and noticing that an hour has passed. It seems like there’s nothing interesting happening in my life, and I feel a lack of motivation to reach...

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry
Hello, In your letter, you mentioned several symptoms of depression, but did not specify any particular life stressors that might be contributing to this. Therefore, we will discuss the management and adjustment of depressive symptoms. When a person is feeling depressed and unh...

Overcoming Anxiety and Depression: A Journey Through Trauma and Healing

Hello, doctor. I am currently 19 years old and in my first year of college. From middle school to high school, my family was not very harmonious, and there were often arguments. My mother suffers from bipolar disorder and frequently says hurtful things to me, such as telling me t...

Dr. Lü Shangheng reply Psychiatry
Hello, what you are experiencing is quite challenging, and it is not easy at all. However, there are many people around you who are helping you. Since you are already receiving assistance, generally speaking, the treatment for anxiety and panic disorders includes both pharmacolog...

Understanding Your Struggles: Signs of Depression, Anxiety, and Panic Disorders

Hello Doctor: I tend to overthink and often feel my heart racing. I get anxious over small matters. Throughout my life, I have frequently suppressed my emotions, as I long for peace and do not want to cause disputes or make anyone uncomfortable by expressing myself. However, I ha...

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry
Hello. Depression and anxiety disorders, or panic disorders, can sometimes coexist and be interrelated. Regardless of the diagnosis, the situation described in the text predominantly involves negative (depressive) emotional behaviors, which have caused significant psychological a...