Feeling Anxious About Persistent Attention from a Classmate

Feeling anxious about a guy's persistent pursuit?

Hello, doctor.
My current concern is about some emotional issues with the opposite sex.
I have previously rejected three boys who confessed their feelings to me.
Two of them are currently maintaining a friendship with me, but the third one is the source of my distress.
He confessed to me when we were in sixth grade, and I do not intend to maintain a friendship with him since we are not close.
Later, he attended a different junior high school, and now that we have graduated to high school, we find ourselves in the same tutoring class.
I thought that after all this time, he would have forgotten about me, but unexpectedly, after class one night at ten o'clock, he approached me and said he wanted to walk me home.
I immediately refused, but he disregarded my answer and followed me home.
I was really scared, worried that he would find out where I live.
Fortunately, my dad came to pick me up midway, which relieved me (since my home is not far from the tutoring center, I usually walk home alone).
When I got home, I told my parents about this boy, and they said they would pick me up after evening classes from now on to avoid him following me.
However, during class, he keeps passing me notes asking if I can walk home with him.
Of course, I always say no.
On one occasion, because the tutoring class was canceled and I had to practice with my school's marching band, he asked where I had been and said he missed me.
He wrote a bunch of sweet nothings to me (e.g., "You're so beautiful," "You're so cute," "I love you just the way you are...").
I felt nauseated reading them.
I am very displeased with him, but I don't know how to express it.
Currently, I treat him like air; I ignore everything he says and only occasionally respond with a "mm" or "oh."
He has mentioned that he knows where I live, and I don't know if that's true, but it makes me anxious because he is a delinquent.
I'm afraid that if I'm not careful, he might come to my house with a knife.
I really don't want to change tutoring centers because I've made new friends there, and I can adapt to the teachers.
However, with him in the class, I feel scared every time I go.
There have been several times when I've been so annoyed by him that I've considered reporting him for sexual harassment.
I've also indirectly told him that I don't like him, but he still persists.
I'm really distressed and scared.
I hope my high school experience will be colorful and not overshadowed by a boy who isn't worth my worry.
But I genuinely feel afraid, especially considering past incidents of obsessive lovers committing violent acts.
Now, I hesitate to go out.
My parents have said that if he continues to overstep, they will talk to his parents (they know him a little, but his parents don't know me).
Am I overreacting? I just want peace of mind.
His presence has caused me sleepless nights before tutoring, and I've been experiencing hair loss and frequent diarrhea.
I often think he might be secretly following me home after class.
I don't want to see a doctor; I just want to ask for your advice.
Thank you.

Niming, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/08/22

Dr. Wang Chongren reply Psychiatry

Based on your description in the letter, it is clear that you are currently experiencing significant distress.
You have verbally rejected the individual multiple times and have not responded, yet they continue to pursue you, prompting you to seek help from your parents.
Generally, when verbally rejecting someone, it is important to be direct and assertive while also being mindful of their feelings.
While you have already made appropriate responses, if repeated rejections do not yield results, it is essential to actively discuss strategies with your parents.
This may include seeking assistance from your parents or a third party (such as the individual’s classmates) to facilitate communication.
In the worst-case scenario, you might consider changing tutoring centers to avoid potential issues affecting your mental and physical health.
Additionally, if the individual continues to harass you or exhibits inappropriate behavior, you may want to consider reaching out to social resources such as the 113 Social Bureau Protection Service hotline for assistance.

Reply Date: 2015/08/22

More Info

It sounds like you are experiencing a significant amount of anxiety and distress due to the persistent attention from a classmate, which is understandably overwhelming. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to address them in a constructive way.
From what you've described, it seems that this situation is causing you not only emotional discomfort but also physical symptoms such as hair loss and gastrointestinal issues. These symptoms can often be manifestations of anxiety, which can be exacerbated by stressors in your life, such as unwanted attention from someone you do not feel comfortable with.
Firstly, it’s crucial to recognize that you have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your environment, whether at school or in a tutoring class. The behavior of this classmate, especially if it feels intrusive or threatening, is not acceptable. It’s important to set clear boundaries. You’ve mentioned that you’ve tried to ignore him, which is a good start, but it may not be enough given the persistence of his actions.
Here are some steps you can consider taking:
1. Communicate Clearly: If you feel safe doing so, you might want to communicate directly with him that you are not interested in any form of relationship and that you would like him to stop contacting you. Be firm and clear in your message. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this alone, consider having a trusted friend or adult accompany you.

2. Involve Authority Figures: Since this situation is causing you distress and fear, it may be beneficial to involve a teacher or counselor at your school or tutoring center. They can provide support and may be able to intervene on your behalf. It’s important that they are aware of the situation so they can help ensure your safety.

3. Talk to Your Parents: You’ve already mentioned that your parents are aware of the situation and are willing to help. Keep them informed about any new developments. They can assist in ensuring your safety, such as arranging for you to be picked up after classes, as they have already started doing.

4. Document Everything: Keep a record of any interactions you have with him, including dates, times, and the nature of the communication. This documentation can be helpful if you decide to escalate the situation to school authorities or even law enforcement.

5. Self-Care and Support: It’s essential to take care of your mental health during this stressful time. Engage in activities that help you relax and distract you from your worries, such as spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or practicing mindfulness techniques. If you find that your anxiety is overwhelming, consider speaking to a mental health professional who can provide you with coping strategies.

6. Consider Changing Environments: If the situation does not improve and continues to affect your well-being, you might want to consider switching tutoring centers. While it’s understandable that you don’t want to leave your new friends and teachers, your safety and comfort should come first.

7. Trust Your Instincts: If you ever feel unsafe or threatened, trust your instincts. It’s better to err on the side of caution. If you feel that he is stalking you or if his behavior escalates, do not hesitate to contact local authorities.

Remember, you are not alone in this, and there are people who can help you navigate this challenging situation. Your feelings of anxiety and fear are legitimate, and it’s important to take proactive steps to protect your well-being. You deserve to feel safe and happy in your school environment.

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