Your Child's Anger: Causes and Solutions for Parents

The child is throwing things in anger over trivial matters at home?

Hello Dr.
Song, I have a son who is in the third grade.
Since kindergarten, we have noticed that he often exhibits explosive anger when we reprimand him for mistakes at home, and this has been happening multiple times a day recently.
Here are the most common examples:
1.
In the morning when waking up: He usually goes to bed around 9:30 PM and wakes up around 7:00 AM to get ready for school.
Every morning when we call him to wake up at 7:00 AM, he starts throwing tantrums, banging his head, hitting others, and making angry noises.

2.
When reprimanded for mistakes: Regardless of the size of the mistake, sometimes just a couple of words from us, without raising our voices or punishing him, will trigger his anger.
He starts banging his head, slamming doors, and throwing small objects to make noise.

3.
When things don’t go his way: Sometimes when he can’t get the food he wants (perhaps the store is closed or sold out), or when we can’t go to a planned location due to weather conditions, he also becomes furious.

These behaviors only occur in front of us (his parents) and his older brother (who is in sixth grade), mostly at home, although they can happen when we are out, but only directed at family members.
At school, we have never heard from teachers or classmates that he behaves this way towards them.
He has no issues with homework, but when asked to correct mistakes or improve his handwriting, he loses patience and starts to act out.
His academic performance is excellent, but he often lacks patience and becomes irritable when preparing for exams.
Additionally, he plays the flute in the school band and practices diligently at school, but when at home, unless he initiates practice, he shows no patience when we ask him to practice.

When he has an outburst, our gentle attempts to soothe him are usually ineffective, and we often have to distract him with other activities to regain his attention.
My spouse and I have also lost our temper multiple times, yelling at him, threatening him, and even hitting him.
When we scold or hit him, he bursts into tears and starts mumbling about how he will do things differently in the future or how he just doesn’t want to do something.
After a long time, when he finally calms down, he can act as if nothing happened, joking and interacting closely with us.

The frequency of these incidents has been increasing, and I am very concerned about whether there might be any issues with his mental health or brain function.
Could you please help us assess the situation and provide some direction for us as parents? What could be the possible causes, and how should we seek help from a physician? What specialty would you recommend for consultation? Thank you!

Mr. Chen, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/03/12

Dr. Song Chengxian reply Psychiatry

Dear Parents,
It is indeed perplexing that your child frequently exhibits anger over minor issues at home while performing exceptionally well outside.
This behavior may stem from family interactions or could be related to an inherent temperament that predisposes them to impulsivity and rigidity.
I recommend the following:
1.
Consider referring to the book "Raising a Hot-Tempered Child" published by Zhi Yuan Publishing, which offers many practical parenting strategies.
2.
Take your son for a further evaluation at a nearby pediatric psychology or child psychiatry clinic.
Sincerely,
Dr.
Song

Reply Date: 2016/03/12

More Info

Understanding a child's anger can be a complex issue, especially when it manifests frequently and intensely, as you've described with your son. It's important to recognize that anger in children can stem from various sources, including emotional, environmental, and developmental factors. Here, I will outline some potential causes of your son's anger, as well as strategies for addressing these behaviors effectively.

Potential Causes of Anger
1. Emotional Regulation: Children, especially those in elementary school, are still developing their ability to regulate emotions. They may not yet have the skills to express frustration or disappointment appropriately. This can lead to explosive reactions when they feel overwhelmed.

2. Environmental Stressors: Changes in routine, such as a new school year or family dynamics, can contribute to a child's emotional state. If your son feels pressure to perform academically or socially, it may manifest as anger when things don’t go as he expects.

3. Attention-Seeking Behavior: Sometimes, children may act out to gain attention, even if it is negative. If he notices that his outbursts lead to significant reactions from you and your spouse, he may continue this behavior as a way to engage with you.

4. Frustration with Expectations: If your son is used to high expectations, whether academically or in extracurricular activities, he may become frustrated when he feels he cannot meet those expectations. This frustration can lead to anger when he perceives criticism or failure.

5. Developmental Factors: Children often go through phases of heightened emotional responses. This can be particularly true for children who are sensitive or have a strong temperament.

Strategies for Addressing Anger
1. Model Calmness: As parents, it’s crucial to model the behavior you want to see in your child. When your son is angry, try to remain calm and composed. This can help him learn to manage his emotions better.

2. Establish Routines: Consistent routines can provide a sense of security for children. If mornings are a struggle, consider adjusting his bedtime or morning routine to allow for a smoother transition.

3. Teach Emotional Vocabulary: Help your son learn to express his feelings using words. Encourage him to articulate what he feels when he is angry, such as "I feel frustrated" or "I feel sad." This can help him process his emotions more effectively.

4. Provide Choices: Giving your son choices can help him feel more in control. For example, let him choose between two breakfast options or decide when to practice his flute. This can reduce frustration and anger stemming from feeling powerless.

5. Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and reward positive behavior. When your son handles a situation well or expresses his feelings appropriately, praise him for it. This reinforces good behavior and encourages him to continue using those strategies.

6. Seek Professional Help: If the anger persists and you feel overwhelmed, consider consulting a child psychologist or counselor. They can provide tailored strategies and support for both your son and your family. Look for professionals who specialize in child behavior and emotional regulation.

7. Family Therapy: Sometimes, family dynamics contribute to a child's emotional issues. Family therapy can help address communication patterns and improve relationships within the family, providing a supportive environment for your son.

Conclusion
Understanding and addressing your child's anger requires patience and a multifaceted approach. It's essential to recognize that this behavior is often a signal of underlying issues that need to be addressed. By implementing strategies to help your son manage his emotions and seeking professional guidance when necessary, you can foster a healthier emotional environment for him and your family. Remember, it’s a journey, and with time and support, improvements can be made.

Similar Q&A

How a Mother's Anger Affects Her Child's Emotional Development

Hello, I am the mother of a four-and-a-half-year-old boy. I have a volatile temperament, and when my child makes mistakes, I easily resort to yelling and even throwing things, which causes him to feel fear. When he was just over a year old, he would cry and run away in the park i...

Dr. Huang Huiqun reply Psychiatry
Hello Shannie, based on your description, it seems that your child is currently exhibiting more withdrawn behavior and anxiety in social interactions, which is a concern for you. The way parents manage their emotions can indeed impact their child's emotional development. It&...

Understanding Sudden Emotional Outbursts in Children: Causes and Solutions

Hello, doctor. My child is currently in first grade and started seeing a psychiatrist last summer. He has been taking Adderall in the morning and Tofranil at bedtime, and has been receiving therapy sessions weekly. Initially, there was significant improvement, but for some reason...

Dr. Chen Zhicai reply Psychiatry
Mother XX: The symptoms mentioned by the child (irritability, tendencies toward violence, anger, easily finding reasons to get upset, yelling, crying uncontrollably, slamming doors and throwing things, refusing to go to school, acting out at school, harming classmates, tearing up...

Helping Your Child Manage Emotional Outbursts: Tips for Parents

My child is 5 years old, and the teacher has noticed that he has been crying and throwing tantrums. How can I help him in this situation? It might be that I have been too strict in my discipline, causing him to distrust the teacher. When he makes a mistake, the teacher has to rep...

Dr. Chen Meizhu reply Psychiatry
Hello: The child's emotional issues are quite evident, and it is recommended to seek medical evaluation and treatment as soon as possible. Encourage the child more and teach them what they can do. Adults should also manage their own emotions, endure and address their frustra...

Understanding Sensitivity and Irritability in Young Children: When to Seek Help

Hello Doctor: We have two boys, the older one is currently 3 years and 4 months old and will start preschool around July this year. Overall, he is a typical child, but we are quite troubled by his sensitive personality and low frustration tolerance. For example, when he exhibits ...

Dr. Song Chengxian reply Psychiatry
Hello, Mr. Wan: You mentioned that your eldest child has a stubborn personality, difficulty in changing habits, challenges in emotional regulation, and issues with tactile hypersensitivity, which can indeed be quite troublesome. For the part about uncontrollable tantrums, you mig...