Managing Anxiety and Discomfort Around Family Gatherings

Thinking of family makes me feel unwell all over?

During holidays, my family always hopes that I will come home, but I often try to find ways to avoid it—work, traveling abroad...
Just the thought of reuniting with them makes my uterus ache, and I feel nauseous, with some chest tightness and poor sleep quality.
My parents are divorced and each has a new partner, yet my grandmother, my father's mother, insists on having the family together.
I really can't understand why, since they are divorced, there should still be contact.
Why should there be reunions after a divorce? I think this has to do with the conflicts and mutual distrust that occurred when both families were arguing back then, as they both came to me to complain about each other.
I have seen through both sides, so now that they have reconciled, I don't mind them not meeting, but the idea of having to eat together really makes me feel uncomfortable all over.
Dr.
Lu, how should I adjust my feelings about this?

Nìmíng, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/01/26

Dr. Lü Shangheng reply Psychiatry

Family issues that lead to psychosomatic symptoms are often difficult to completely avoid.
The reality is that it is challenging to entirely evade such situations, and unexpected circumstances can be hard to predict, all of which can be sources of stress and anxiety.
How one adjusts emotionally depends on personal characteristics and the specific stressors faced.
Generally, maintaining a neutral, non-critical attitude and accepting oneself and the current family situation is a fundamental approach, along with some relaxation techniques for both the mind and body.
If the situation is truly distressing and hard to cope with, temporarily avoiding it may be a necessary strategy.
For more personalized coping methods, it is advisable to visit a psychosomatic clinic or seek professional psychological counseling.

Reply Date: 2017/01/26

More Info

Navigating family gatherings, especially in the context of complex family dynamics, can be incredibly challenging and emotionally taxing. Your feelings of anxiety, discomfort, and even physical symptoms like nausea and chest tightness are valid responses to a situation that you find distressing. It’s important to acknowledge that these reactions are not uncommon, particularly when family relationships are strained or complicated by past experiences.

Firstly, it’s essential to understand that your feelings are a natural response to the stress of being in a potentially volatile environment. Family gatherings can often bring up unresolved issues, old wounds, and uncomfortable dynamics, especially when parents have divorced and have new partners. The pressure to maintain family unity, as expressed by your grandmother, can feel overwhelming, particularly when you perceive that the relationships are fraught with tension and unresolved conflict.

Here are several strategies you can consider to help manage your anxiety and discomfort around family gatherings:
1. Set Boundaries: It’s crucial to establish what you are comfortable with regarding family interactions. If attending gatherings is too distressing, it’s okay to decline invitations. Communicate your feelings to your family members, if you feel safe doing so. You might say something like, “I appreciate the invitation, but I need to take care of my mental health and won’t be able to attend this time.”
2. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with supportive friends. Before a family gathering, consider practicing mindfulness or deep-breathing exercises to help manage anxiety.

3. Prepare for the Gathering: If you decide to attend, prepare yourself mentally for the event. Visualize how you want the gathering to go and think about potential scenarios that might arise. Having a plan can help you feel more in control. Consider setting a time limit for how long you will stay, giving you an exit strategy if you start to feel overwhelmed.

4. Seek Support: If possible, bring a supportive friend or family member with you to the gathering. Having someone you trust by your side can provide comfort and help you navigate difficult conversations or situations.

5. Therapeutic Support: Given the depth of your feelings and the complexity of your family dynamics, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. A therapist can provide you with tools to cope with anxiety and help you process your feelings about your family. They can also assist you in developing strategies to communicate your needs effectively.

6. Reframe Your Perspective: Try to shift your focus from the obligation of family gatherings to the opportunity for personal growth. Consider what you can learn from these experiences, even if they are uncomfortable. This reframing can help reduce the emotional weight of the situation.

7. Limit Exposure to Conflict: If you know that certain topics or individuals will trigger conflict, try to steer conversations away from those subjects or limit your interactions with those family members during gatherings.

8. Reflect on Your Feelings: After the gathering, take some time to reflect on your feelings. Journaling can be a helpful way to process your experiences and emotions. Acknowledge what went well and what was challenging, and think about how you can apply what you learned to future gatherings.

In conclusion, managing anxiety and discomfort around family gatherings is a process that requires self-awareness, boundary-setting, and sometimes professional support. It’s important to prioritize your mental health and well-being, and to recognize that it’s okay to step back from situations that cause you distress. Remember, you are not alone in feeling this way, and there are resources and strategies available to help you navigate these complex family dynamics.

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