Am I Really the Problem? Feelings of Isolation and Depression

Am I really having serious issues?

About two to three months ago, something happened (related to a friend's betrayal) that made me very sad and often negative.
Initially, I shared my thoughts with them, but after about a week, I stopped.
I couldn't eat and even had thoughts of wanting to die.
My friends and others suggested that I see a counselor, believing I might be suffering from depression, but I refused because I felt I couldn't express myself.
When I finally went to see a teacher, I just wanted to brush it off and avoid the issue rather than resolve it.
However, thanks to my friends' companionship, I felt much better.
Yet, whenever they brought up the betrayal, I never said much, but my feelings had changed.
Even when we hung out together, I felt neglected.
At first, I thought I was overthinking, then I felt there were hidden meanings in their words.
Eventually, I came to believe that I wasn't overthinking; they genuinely didn't seem to like me as much.

For instance, when we were discussing tickets for an exhibition at school, we had agreed to go together, but when it came time to register, one girl smiled and told me she would go by herself.
I understood her implication at that moment, but pretended not to.
Last week, while returning home from a competition in Taipei, I chatted with one of the girls.
When we talked about our ages, she mentioned she was the youngest in their group.
I thought to myself, "Aren't we in the same group? When did I get separated?" But I continued to smile and chat with her.

Then someone asked me why I was following them.
I realized that my thoughts were correct; I had indeed been excluded.
I asked if they didn't like me following them, and the response was uncertain.
Two days later, I noticed that two of them had unfollowed me on Instagram, which confirmed that they really didn't like me.
The two who unfollowed me clearly had no intention of engaging with me.
Did I want to resolve this? Yes, I did, but they either avoided the issue or were very passive.
One person, who used to be very close to me, often said that when the time was right, they would talk to me or mention it to someone else.
I wondered if she held the same thought.
If so, when the time came, would I still be around? There are others in the class, so why don't I reach out to them? Yes, there are others, and I have decent relationships with them (at least on the surface), but I still don't want to reach out because I don't feel like I'm part of their circle.
Losing my sense of belonging has been really painful; perhaps I really am not that important.

These past few days, I've been sleeping a lot, crying frequently, unable to eat, and feeling very negative.
I've had thoughts of wanting to end it all, constantly wondering when this will all be over.
It's truly painful.
(Regarding the sleeping part, I read online that if someone wants to escape, they tend to sleep a lot.
Is that true?) Today, there was supposed to be an off-campus visit, but I didn't go because I had slept for over ten hours at home.
It wasn't just because I was tired; I really had thoughts of wanting to escape.
At one point, I woke up and checked my messages, and one of them asked if I was going to the visit.
Upon seeing that, I cried continuously, and after replying, I fell asleep while still crying.

What is my problem? They used to tell me what I needed to improve, and I worked hard to change.
They were happy that I had corrected my bad habits, but recently they haven't mentioned anything.
I'm not someone who needs constant reminders to change.
I've always known where my issues lie, and I've been trying hard to improve.
However, I feel like the more I change, the further apart we grow.
If I don't change, it feels even worse.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm somewhat resistant to going to school.
Do I really have serious problems that made them abandon me and not care?

Ye Xin, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2017/05/19

Dr. Liu Runqian reply Psychiatry

Depression not only affects emotional well-being but also impacts physical functioning and cognitive processes.
For example, symptoms may include insomnia, hypersomnia, decreased appetite, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, and slowed thinking.
Unfortunately, some patients may also exhibit suicidal behaviors.
Based on your description, in addition to low mood, it seems there may be cognitive distortions and automatic thoughts present.
It is recommended to combine medication with psychotherapy for better outcomes.
Of course, a detailed assessment by a qualified physician is necessary to provide more accurate advice after an in-person evaluation.

Reply Date: 2017/05/19

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly challenging time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion you're experiencing. Your feelings of isolation, sadness, and the sense of being abandoned by your friends are significant and deserve attention. Let's break down some of the key aspects of what you're experiencing and explore possible paths forward.

Firstly, the feelings of betrayal and sadness stemming from your friend's actions can be deeply impactful. When someone we trust lets us down, it can lead to a cascade of negative emotions, including feelings of worthlessness and isolation. It's not uncommon to feel like you are being left out or that your friends no longer value your presence, especially after such an experience. This can lead to a cycle of negative thoughts, where you might start to believe that you are the problem or that you are not worthy of friendship.

You mentioned that you have been feeling very negative, sleeping excessively, and even having thoughts of wanting to escape from it all. These are serious indicators that you might be experiencing symptoms of depression. Depression can manifest in various ways, including changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, and feelings of hopelessness. The fact that you are aware of these feelings is a positive step, but it also indicates that you may need support to navigate through this difficult period.

It's important to recognize that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but rather a courageous step towards healing. You mentioned that your friends suggested talking to a counselor, and while you initially resisted, it might be worth reconsidering. A counselor or therapist can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and help you work through the complex emotions you are experiencing. They can also assist you in developing coping strategies to manage your feelings of isolation and sadness.

Regarding your concerns about being a burden or feeling like you are not important, it's crucial to understand that everyone has intrinsic value, including you. The fact that you are reflecting on your relationships and seeking to improve yourself shows a level of self-awareness that is commendable. However, it's also essential to recognize that friendships can ebb and flow, and sometimes people may not realize the impact of their actions on others. This does not diminish your worth or the importance of your feelings.

You also mentioned a tendency to avoid situations that remind you of your pain, such as skipping school events. Avoidance can provide temporary relief but often exacerbates feelings of isolation in the long run. Gradually facing these situations, even in small steps, can help you rebuild your confidence and social connections. It might be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or family member and share your feelings with them, even if it's just a little at a time.

Lastly, it's worth noting that sleep can be a coping mechanism for dealing with emotional pain. While getting enough rest is important, excessive sleeping can sometimes be a way to escape from reality. Finding healthy outlets for your emotions, such as journaling, engaging in creative activities, or even physical exercise, can be beneficial in processing your feelings.

In conclusion, you are not alone in this struggle, and there are people and resources available to help you through it. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can guide you in understanding your feelings and developing strategies to cope with them. Remember, it's okay to ask for help, and taking that step can lead to a brighter path ahead. You are important, and your feelings matter.

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