How to Support an Emotionally Unstable Father Without Losing Yourself

Q: How to Support an Emotionally Unstable Father Without Losing Yourself

Hello： Issues related to personality and temper are not easy to change, but change is not impossible. <br>To initiate change, it is essential to first understand the situation. <br>Your analysis and speculations may have some relevance. <br>The best approach is to help your fathe

If your father is experiencing emotional instability, here are some ways to help him without letting it affect you: 1. Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors you can tolerate and what you cannot. This helps protect your emotional well-being. 2. Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your own mental health, such as exercise,

Hello Doctor: My father has had unstable temper issues for the past ten years, often exploding at my mother, me, or other family members and colleagues over trivial matters (approximately three times a week, sometimes more frequently).
To my knowledge, he has no family or friends to confide in.
Over the past year, perhaps due to conflicts with siblings and the responsibility of caring for my grandmother, along with difficulties at work, he has been under significant stress.
He has a habit of playing games like shooting small steel balls and often stays out late at night.
I wonder if his late nights have affected his brain, as it seems his memory, patience, and intelligence have declined (this is my perception, or perhaps it was always poor, and I am just now noticing).
However, my father claims that his bad temper is due to hereditary factors, which makes me fear that I might follow in his footsteps.

I have identified that his outbursts are likely due to being spoiled as a child and adhering to a patriarchal mindset, believing he is the head of the household.
At home, my mother and I try to accommodate him, but his demands for compliance are excessively high.
Additionally, during a conversation, he mentioned his pessimistic views on life, but he has not expressed any suicidal thoughts.
I would like to ask how I can help my father, as whenever he erupts in anger, I am also affected; my mind feels tangled, and I cannot think clearly, leaving me anxious for a day or two.
In the past, during more severe episodes, I couldn't even focus on my studies, and I have many negative thoughts about him.
My mother has come to terms with it and is unaffected, but I don't know how to remain calm like her; she also doesn't know how to teach me.
After he calms down, he seems to forget that he has hurt others with his words, believing that everyone still loves him and should continue to obey him, while in reality, everyone has emotionally distanced themselves from him.

It seems unlikely that he would seek psychological counseling or visit a psychiatrist.
I read that there are public health nurses at health centers, but my father is very concerned about his image and would likely put on a façade of being a good person in front of strangers.
He also does not suffer from insomnia or poor appetite, so I cannot persuade him to seek medical help through psychosomatic means.

PANDA, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2018/02/23

Dr. Liang Sunyuan reply Psychiatry

Hello: Issues related to personality and temper are not easy to change, but change is not impossible.
To initiate change, it is essential to first understand the situation.
Your analysis and speculations may have some relevance.
The best approach is to help your father become aware of his issues and recognize that he needs to change.
You can start by empathizing with the tensions he may have with his siblings, the stress of caring for your grandmother, and the pressures from work, which can help improve your relationship.
Then, choose an appropriate moment (when he is in a calm mood) to privately express your fears and concerns about his loss of temper, as well as your willingness to support him in making changes.
Encourage his efforts to control his temper.
At the same time, understand that it may not be easy for him to change overnight.
If he does not respond this time, respect his feelings and do not push him; instead, wait for a more suitable opportunity for communication in the future.
Wishing you all the best.

Reply Date: 2018/02/23

More Info

Supporting an emotionally unstable parent, especially one who exhibits frequent outbursts, can be incredibly challenging and emotionally taxing. Your father's behavior, which has been ongoing for a decade, seems to stem from a combination of stressors, including family dynamics, caregiving responsibilities, and possibly unresolved personal issues. It’s commendable that you want to help him while also protecting your own mental health. Here are some strategies that may assist you in navigating this difficult situation.

Understanding the Root Causes
First, it’s essential to recognize that your father’s anger may be a manifestation of deeper issues, such as stress, frustration, or feelings of inadequacy. His belief that his temperament is hereditary suggests a lack of awareness regarding the impact of his behavior on those around him. Understanding this can help you approach him with empathy rather than frustration.

Open Communication
When your father is in a calm state, consider having an open and honest conversation with him. Express your concerns about his anger and how it affects you and the family. Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, "I feel anxious when there are arguments at home," rather than "You always yell at us." This approach can help him feel less defensive and more receptive to your concerns.

Setting Boundaries
While it’s important to support your father, it’s equally crucial to set boundaries to protect your mental health. If his outbursts affect you significantly, consider limiting your exposure during those times. This could mean spending time in another room or engaging in activities that help you decompress when tensions rise. Establishing these boundaries can help you maintain your emotional well-being.

Encouraging Professional Help
Although you mentioned that your father may resist seeking professional help, it’s important to gently encourage him to consider it. You might suggest that he speak with a counselor or therapist, framing it as a way to relieve stress rather than as a sign of weakness. Sometimes, presenting therapy as a tool for personal growth can make it more appealing.

Finding Support for Yourself
Caring for an emotionally unstable parent can take a toll on your mental health. It’s vital to seek support for yourself as well. This could be through friends, family, or even a therapist who can help you process your feelings and develop coping strategies. Support groups, either in-person or online, can also provide a safe space to share your experiences and learn from others in similar situations.

Practicing Self-Care
Make sure to prioritize self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it’s exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or yoga, can also help you manage stress and maintain emotional balance.

Modeling Healthy Behavior
Your mother seems to have found a way to cope with your father’s behavior. Observing her approach may provide insights into how you can respond. If she remains calm and collected, try to emulate that demeanor during difficult interactions. This can help create a more peaceful environment and may even influence your father’s behavior over time.

Conclusion
Supporting an emotionally unstable parent is a delicate balance of empathy and self-preservation. By fostering open communication, setting boundaries, encouraging professional help, and prioritizing your own mental health, you can navigate this challenging situation more effectively. Remember, it’s okay to seek help for yourself, and you don’t have to carry this burden alone. Your well-being is just as important as your father’s, and taking care of yourself will ultimately enable you to be a better support for him.

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