My Mental Health: From Nail Biting to Dark Impulses

What illness do I have?

Since I was young, I have had the habit of biting and picking at my nails.
Now that I am 20 years old, the situation has become increasingly severe.
Sometimes I pick until the nail tissue turns gray or bleeds, yet I cannot stop the urge to pick all my nails off.
Ever since I started college, the pressure has increased, and picking my nails no longer relieves my stress.
I have started watching videos of animal abuse online, and the more gruesome and brutal the videos are, the happier I feel.
On several occasions, I have gone to pet stores to buy one or two cute hamsters, thinking of various cruel ways to kill them.
Throughout the process, I feel no compassion whatsoever; instead, I think about how to make the hamsters suffer more creatively.
I know that my behavior is wrong, but after committing these acts, I feel some relief.
I can only hope in my mind that the hamsters won't encounter someone like me in their next life.

In addition to these issues, my friends also struggle to understand my personality.
I am someone who can be angry one moment and tearful the next, and I don’t know why.
When the urge strikes, I often find myself crying alone in my room, but sometimes even a small issue or obstacle can make me so angry that I feel like I want to kill someone.
What is wrong with me? When I was younger, I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with ADHD, but I don’t believe that typical ADHD behavior would lead to these actions.
I am afraid to tell my family because if they knew I was capable of animal abuse, they would think that one day I might harm them too.
I can only describe my symptoms here through a doctor.
Thank you.

Xiao Bin, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2018/05/13

Dr. Qiu Junda reply Psychiatry

Hello.
The symptoms described in the text are likely adverse reactions to stress, causing significant distress both physically and mentally.
Regardless of the specific illness (which still needs to be evaluated), I recommend that you first search for information on stress management.
Learn some methods from it, such as talking to friends or engaging in leisure activities.
You may also consider consulting a mental health professional nearby.
If necessary, short-term use of medication may be helpful.
I believe you can regain your mental and physical health soon.
If it's inconvenient, please reach out to Teacher Chang (1980) or the Lifeline (1995) hotline.
They can also provide counseling, consultation, and referral services to help you alleviate your distress.

Reply Date: 2018/05/13

More Info

It sounds like you are experiencing a complex mix of emotions and behaviors that are causing you significant distress. From your description, it appears that you are grappling with several issues, including nail-biting, self-harm, violent impulses towards animals, and intense emotional fluctuations. These behaviors can be indicative of underlying mental health conditions that warrant professional evaluation and intervention.

Nail-biting, or onychophagia, is a common habit that often serves as a coping mechanism for anxiety or stress. However, when it escalates to the point of causing physical harm, such as bleeding or infection, it becomes a more serious concern. This behavior can be linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), where individuals feel compelled to engage in certain actions to alleviate anxiety.

The emergence of violent thoughts and actions towards animals is particularly alarming. This behavior, known as animal cruelty, can stem from a variety of psychological issues, including impulse control disorders or more severe conditions such as conduct disorder. The fact that you derive pleasure from these actions may indicate a disconnect from empathy, which is concerning and suggests a need for immediate professional help.

Your emotional volatility—experiencing intense anger and sadness—could be related to mood disorders, such as bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. These conditions can lead to extreme mood swings and difficulty regulating emotions, which may explain your feelings of rage and despair in response to minor triggers.

It is crucial to understand that these behaviors and feelings are not simply a reflection of your character or personality; they are symptoms of deeper psychological issues that require attention. The fact that you are aware of the inappropriateness of your actions and feel guilt or shame about them is a positive sign, as it indicates a level of self-awareness that is essential for recovery.

Given your history of being diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), it is possible that the impulsivity associated with ADHD is contributing to your current struggles. Impulsivity can manifest in various ways, including difficulty controlling urges, which may explain both your nail-biting and violent impulses.

I strongly encourage you to seek professional help from a mental health provider who can conduct a thorough assessment of your symptoms and provide appropriate treatment. This may include therapy, medication, or a combination of both. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for addressing compulsive behaviors and emotional regulation.

It is also important to create a support system for yourself. While you may feel that your family would not understand, consider reaching out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings without judgment.

In summary, your experiences are serious and deserve attention from a qualified mental health professional. You are not alone in this struggle, and there is help available. Taking the first step to seek assistance can lead to a better understanding of your mental health and the development of healthier coping mechanisms. Remember, change is possible, and with the right support, you can work towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.

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