Feeling Lost: A High Schooler's Struggle with Mental Health

It seems like I don't recognize myself anymore?

I'm currently in my second year of high school, and I don't know when I started feeling this way.
Every morning, I dread getting up and wish I could just sleep forever.
On weekends, I mostly stay in my room and have little interaction with my family; I prefer to be alone.
Yet, I find myself just watching videos all day, and gradually, I feel emptier.
Even though I have a lot of assignments, I lack the motivation to start them.
In my first year, even when I didn't want to do something, I could push through it.
At school, I still appear lively, almost like two different people; but as soon as I get home, I change completely.
Recently, I disappeared for a day and didn't go to school.
I hid outside until my parents left for work, and I resolved to treat that day as if it were my last.
I looked at the rope I had prepared, already looped around my neck, but I still didn't have the courage to go through with it.
I kept hitting myself with a stick, feeling so sad about why I've become like this.
I wrote a suicide note, which my parents found.
They asked me why I was being so unreasonable and told me I could talk to them about anything, but I couldn't say a word.
I just cried and didn't know what was wrong with me.
Looking at my messy room, I feel like I don't recognize myself anymore and can't find the person I used to be.
What should I do?

Ruo, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2018/05/21

Dr. Huang Xiaoxian reply Psychiatry

Hello, it sounds like you have been experiencing significant changes in your mood lately, even having thoughts of hopelessness.
I'm not sure if there have been any other major events in your life.
I recommend seeking professional medical assistance to clarify your symptoms and receive appropriate treatment.
You are welcome to visit for an outpatient consultation.

Reply Date: 2018/05/21

More Info

It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion you are feeling. The feelings of hopelessness, isolation, and despair you describe are serious and warrant immediate attention. It’s important to understand that you are not alone in this struggle, and there are people who can help you navigate through these challenging emotions.

From what you’ve shared, it seems like you are experiencing symptoms that could be indicative of depression and anxiety. The fact that you feel a lack of motivation, have thoughts of not wanting to wake up, and have even contemplated self-harm are significant red flags. These feelings can often stem from various factors, including academic pressure, social dynamics, or personal issues that may not be immediately apparent. The transition from middle school to high school can be particularly challenging, as it often comes with increased expectations and responsibilities.

Your experience of feeling like two different people—one at school and another at home—is not uncommon among adolescents. Many young people put on a brave face in social situations while struggling internally. This dissonance can lead to feelings of emptiness and confusion about one’s identity. It’s crucial to recognize that these feelings are valid and that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

I strongly encourage you to reach out for professional help. A mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings and help you understand what you are going through. They can also work with you to develop coping strategies and, if necessary, discuss treatment options that may include therapy or medication.

In addition to professional help, consider talking to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. This could be a family member, a close friend, or a school counselor. Sharing your thoughts and emotions can be incredibly relieving and can help you feel less isolated. It’s important to communicate that you are struggling; you don’t have to go through this alone.

As you navigate these feelings, try to engage in small, positive activities that can help lift your mood. This could be as simple as going for a walk, listening to music, or engaging in a hobby you once enjoyed. While it may feel challenging, taking small steps can help you regain a sense of control and purpose.

Lastly, remember that healing takes time. It’s okay to have ups and downs, and it’s important to be patient with yourself as you work through these feelings. You are deserving of support and care, and there is hope for a brighter future. Please take the first step by reaching out for help; you are worth it.

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