Struggling with Sexual Orientation: A Journey of Unrequited Love

I don't want to do this anymore?

My sexual orientation changed when I was in the ninth grade.
I had always liked boys until I developed feelings for my best friend during middle school.
However, she is a heterosexual girl who likes boys.
At that time, I was still young and didn't understand what sexual orientation was, nor was I sure if I truly liked girls or just her as a person.
I only knew that I felt a protective instinct towards her and didn't like hearing or seeing anything about her boyfriend.
I would even feel my heart race when we had intimate moments together.

I confessed my feelings to her, fearing that she would no longer want to be friends with me.
However, she chose to be understanding, though she did not reciprocate my feelings since she had a boyfriend at the time.
After that, she became more physically affectionate with me, and when she saw me getting along well with other girls, she would interrogate me about whether I liked someone else.
She would even make unfounded assumptions and sulk, which made me frustrated—if she didn't like me, why did she care about these things? Eventually, we drifted apart and couldn't even remain friends.

Since then, I have lost interest in boys, and my attraction has always been towards girls.
However, I haven't encountered anyone who evokes such strong feelings in me like she did.
It has been four years, and I still have strong feelings for her, even though she has often hurt our friendship.
I can't pinpoint any of her qualities that I admire, but I find myself dreaming about her almost every night, and the dreams are interconnected, like a series.
In my dreams, we transition from strangers to friends to lovers, and each dream flows into the next.
My longing for her has intensified, even though she no longer cares about me.

I keep questioning whether I truly like girls or if it's just her that I like.
However, I also have no interest in boys.
I'm really confused and don't want to feel this way anymore; it feels overwhelming, and I don't want any pressure beyond my studies.

E, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2022/02/10

Dr. Lin Mianzhang reply Psychiatry

Hi there! It seems that you indeed have feelings for that friend and wish to get closer to her, which indicates that you like her.
If you also feel that only girls are sexually attractive to you and you only want to engage in intimate relationships with girls, then it means you are attracted to females.
This inclination towards liking either males or females is referred to as sexual orientation.
Regardless of your sexual orientation, it is completely normal.
If you feel troubled by this, I suggest seeking professional help from a mental health specialist.
Wishing you peace and health!

Reply Date: 2022/02/10

More Info

Navigating the complexities of sexual orientation and unrequited love can be a challenging journey, especially when feelings are intertwined with friendship and personal identity. It’s clear from your description that you have experienced a significant emotional connection with your best friend, which has led you to question your sexual orientation and feelings towards both her and other individuals.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that sexual orientation can be fluid and may evolve over time. Your initial attraction to boys, followed by a deep emotional connection with a girl, suggests that you may be exploring your feelings and preferences. It’s not uncommon for individuals to experience confusion during their formative years, especially when they develop strong feelings for someone who does not reciprocate those feelings in the same way. This can lead to a sense of longing and unresolved emotions, as you've described.

Your feelings of protectiveness and jealousy regarding your friend indicate a strong emotional investment in her, which can sometimes be mistaken for romantic attraction. It’s also possible that your feelings are a combination of admiration, affection, and a desire for intimacy that you associate with her. The fact that you dream about her frequently and have vivid, narrative dreams suggests that she occupies a significant space in your subconscious, reflecting your unresolved feelings and desires.

In terms of understanding your sexual orientation, it may be helpful to consider the following points:
1. Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your feelings. Ask yourself what aspects of your friend you are drawn to and whether those qualities are what you seek in a partner. Are you attracted to her as a person, or is it the idea of her that captivates you?
2. Exploration: It might be beneficial to explore your feelings towards other individuals, both male and female, in a safe and open-minded manner. Engaging in social activities, meeting new people, and allowing yourself to form connections can provide clarity about your attractions.

3. Acceptance: Understand that it’s okay to feel confused. Many people go through periods of questioning their sexual orientation, and it’s a normal part of personal development. Allow yourself the space to explore these feelings without pressure to label them immediately.

4. Communication: If you feel comfortable, consider discussing your feelings with someone you trust, such as a friend or a counselor. They can provide support and help you process your emotions.

5. Professional Guidance: If your feelings become overwhelming or interfere with your daily life, seeking help from a mental health professional can be beneficial. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you develop coping strategies.

6. Focus on Yourself: While it’s natural to have strong feelings for someone, it’s also important to focus on your own personal growth and well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of your romantic interests.

In conclusion, your journey of understanding your sexual orientation and feelings for your friend is a personal one that requires time and self-exploration. It’s important to be patient with yourself as you navigate these complex emotions. Remember that love and attraction can take many forms, and it’s perfectly okay to take your time in figuring out what feels right for you.

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