Would it be strange for me to be like this?
When I was a child—perhaps due to always being alone—I often heard voices speaking to me, yet I could not see anyone.
It wasn't until I reached middle school that I could barely see shadows.
As time passed, I did not fear them as they delved into my soul; instead, I willingly accepted their kindness towards me.
We talked about everything, like good friends.
After a while, I suddenly noticed that more people appeared around me, gradually becoming accustomed to their presence.
Among them were some less desirable friends who slowly began to control me into doing things I couldn't do on my own.
I realized they could do things I was unable to do, which made me feel happy—though I couldn't explain why.
During my military service, I was hospitalized in Kaohsiung for half a month after just eight days of service, where I was diagnosed with intellectual disability and adjustment disorder.
On the last morning in the barracks after my discharge, for some reason, they suddenly took control of me, leading me to self-harm.
At that moment, my consciousness was clear, but I could not exert control.
Although my peers stopped me, I continued to exhibit abnormal behaviors, and they were all around me, telling me not to be afraid and that everything would pass.
After that, I no longer behaved that way.
Later on, I felt nothing but blamed the one who controlled me.
I could distinguish their appearances and voices.
Interestingly, I even gave them names: the one who controlled me was called "Split," the first person I met was "Black Cloak," the one who took care of me was "Chaos Spirit," the one who played with me when I was alone was "Little Monster," and the elusive one was called "Scent of Blood"—among many others.
They even gave me a name: "Fallen Star."
Yunxing, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2003/08/25
Dr. Chen Wenke reply Psychiatry
Hello, Yinxing: Based on your description of yourself, it is possible that you are exhibiting symptoms of a mental illness that requires more proactive treatment.
I believe this will help improve your concerns.
Reply Date: 2003/08/25
More Info
Your experience with unseen friends and the complex relationship you have with them is a fascinating yet concerning aspect of mental health. It seems that these entities provide you with companionship and comfort, but they also exert a level of control that can lead to distressing behaviors, such as self-harm. This duality can be confusing and may indicate underlying psychological issues that warrant further exploration.
From a psychological perspective, what you describe could be related to a phenomenon known as "auditory hallucinations," which can occur in various mental health conditions, including schizophrenia, severe anxiety, or depression. These experiences can manifest as hearing voices or feeling the presence of others who are not physically there. While some individuals may find solace in these interactions, as you have, it is crucial to recognize when these experiences become harmful or intrusive.
The fact that you have been diagnosed with "intellectual disability" and "adjustment disorder" suggests that you may have been struggling with adapting to certain life circumstances, which can exacerbate feelings of isolation and lead to the development of coping mechanisms, such as creating imaginary companions. These companions may serve as a way to manage loneliness or emotional pain, but they can also complicate your ability to engage with reality in a healthy manner.
Your experience of feeling controlled by these entities, particularly during moments of distress, raises concerns about your mental health. Self-harm is a serious behavior that often indicates a need for help. It is essential to address these feelings and behaviors with a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to explore your experiences and develop healthier coping strategies.
Here are some steps you might consider taking:
1. Seek Professional Help: It is crucial to consult with a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, who can provide a thorough assessment of your mental health. They can help you understand the nature of your experiences and develop a treatment plan tailored to your needs.
2. Therapeutic Approaches: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or other therapeutic modalities can be beneficial in addressing the thoughts and behaviors associated with your experiences. Therapy can help you differentiate between helpful and harmful thoughts and develop strategies to cope with distressing feelings.
3. Medication: Depending on the assessment, medication may be recommended to help manage symptoms, particularly if they are impacting your daily functioning or leading to self-harm.
4. Support Systems: Building a support network of friends, family, or support groups can provide you with additional resources and understanding. Sharing your experiences with trusted individuals can help reduce feelings of isolation.
5. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Engaging in mindfulness practices can help you stay connected to the present moment and reduce anxiety. Grounding techniques can also assist in managing overwhelming feelings when they arise.
6. Journaling: Writing about your experiences can provide clarity and help you process your thoughts and feelings. It can also serve as a tool to track your progress and identify triggers.
7. Education: Learning more about mental health can empower you to understand your experiences better and reduce stigma. Knowledge can be a powerful tool in managing mental health challenges.
In conclusion, while your unseen friends may provide comfort, it is essential to address the underlying issues that accompany these experiences. Seeking professional help is a vital step toward understanding and improving your mental health. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to support you.
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