Struggling with Loneliness: A Journey Through Social Anxiety

Living is painful?

Hello, Doctor: I have been a shy and introverted person since childhood.
I have always envied my outgoing classmates who are surrounded by many friends.
I hope that one day I can also become outgoing and confident.
Throughout my education, from elementary school to university, I have tried to make friends and put myself in uncomfortable situations, such as giving speeches or participating in singing competitions.
However, whenever I find myself in a crowd and feel everyone's gaze on me, I become very uncomfortable.
I can have a comfortable conversation with one or two friends, but if their other friends join in, I become silent.
Eventually, my friends think I'm strange and uninteresting, leading to them distancing themselves from me.
I have deeply reflected on this and feel guilty; I want to change and have friends.
I actively try to meet people, but perhaps my strong desire to avoid loneliness makes me overly eager, causing those I just met to find me odd and distance themselves.
This has been very painful for me.
For over 20 years, since my student days, I have had no friends.
In middle school, due to academic pressure and having no friends, I experienced mild depression and preferred to lie on my desk all day, which made my classmates think I was strange.
They would tease me or hit me on the head during group activities, which I dreaded the most.
When groups were formed, I often found myself without anyone to join, and when teachers called on me, everyone knew I was the one left out, the one without a sense of belonging.
I really wanted to escape the painful school life back then, thinking that once I graduated, my life could start anew.
After graduation, I applied for a scholarship to study abroad due to my major, and that period was truly the happiest time of my life.
In a foreign country, no one knew my past, and I could start over.
I tried to open up and made many friends from different countries, sharing laughs, drinks, and caring for each other.
I vividly remember a time when I went out with two foreign friends I had just met; they treated me like family, helping and caring for me without expecting anything in return.
That was the first time I felt a sense of belonging with true friends.
The day before I had to return home, I cried uncontrollably because I would have to start working upon my return, and I didn't know if I would ever see them again.
After that, I began a monotonous office life, working long hours for almost seven years.
Each day felt like a replay of the last, devoid of interest.
I asked myself if this was the life I wanted.
I wanted to leave, but my family and friends did not support me.
I have been in so much pain because I just want to go back abroad, which feels like a place of belonging to me.
However, even if I went back, I wouldn't know what to do or how to support myself; I have thought about these things.
The daily office life feels like being in a prison, a large prison in Taiwan.
Recently, my friends from abroad have distanced themselves one by one due to lack of contact, and I have returned to my initial state—having no friends.
Every day after work, I come home alone.
I have over 500 friends on Facebook, but I know I have no one to confide in.
After being away from social interactions for so long, my situation has worsened; I get nervous and blush whenever someone speaks loudly to me or gets too close.
I really want to avoid this awkward personality, but it feels like we are stuck together like gum on a chair.
Although I have family, we do not share deep conversations, and they see me as a child without many problems, a good kid.
I feel like I am acting in front of them, and only when I am alone do I feel relaxed.
I no longer know where my life is headed.
Thank you, Doctor, for taking the time to read this.
It's okay if you don't reply; I just wanted to vent my emotions.

Yuzhen, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/04/12

Dr. Su Zongwei reply Psychiatry

I've seen it.
If it doesn't affect others, just be yourself with peace of mind.
If you're in too much pain, consider seeking help from a psychiatric outpatient clinic.

Reply Date: 2016/04/12

More Info

It sounds like you are going through a very challenging time, grappling with feelings of loneliness, social anxiety, and a sense of disconnection from others. Your experiences resonate with many who struggle with similar issues, and it's important to acknowledge that these feelings are valid and deserve attention.

From what you've shared, it appears that you have been dealing with social anxiety for a long time. Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is characterized by an intense fear of social situations where one may be judged or scrutinized by others. This can lead to avoidance of social interactions, which can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation. Your attempts to engage in social situations, such as public speaking or singing, indicate a desire to connect with others, but the overwhelming anxiety you feel in those moments can be debilitating.

It's also evident that your past experiences, particularly during your school years, have significantly impacted your self-esteem and social skills. Bullying and exclusion can leave lasting scars, making it difficult to form new relationships later in life. The transition to adulthood, especially after returning from a more liberating experience abroad, can feel particularly daunting when faced with the monotony of daily work life and the absence of meaningful connections.

You mentioned feeling like you are "acting" in front of your family, which suggests a disconnect between your true self and the persona you present to others. This can be exhausting and may contribute to feelings of depression or anxiety. It's crucial to find spaces where you can express your authentic self without fear of judgment.

Here are some suggestions that might help you navigate through this difficult period:
1. Seek Professional Help: It’s commendable that you are reaching out to express your feelings. Consider speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in anxiety and depression. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage your anxiety and help you explore the underlying issues contributing to your feelings of loneliness.

2. Join Support Groups: Look for local or online support groups for individuals dealing with social anxiety or loneliness. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can help you feel less isolated and provide a sense of community.

3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel the way you do and that change takes time. Celebrate small victories, whether it’s initiating a conversation or simply stepping out of your comfort zone.

4. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Find hobbies or activities that bring you joy and allow you to meet new people in a low-pressure environment. This could be anything from joining a book club, taking a class, or participating in community events.

5. Limit Social Media Use: While social media can help you stay connected, it can also exacerbate feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. Consider taking breaks from social media to focus on real-life connections.

6. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Incorporate mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, into your daily routine. These techniques can help reduce anxiety and improve your overall well-being.

7. Reconnect with Old Friends: If you have friends from your time abroad, consider reaching out to them. Even if you haven’t been in touch for a while, rekindling those connections can provide a sense of belonging.

8. Volunteer: Engaging in volunteer work can provide a sense of purpose and help you connect with others in a meaningful way. It can also shift your focus from your own struggles to helping others, which can be incredibly rewarding.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are people and resources available to support you. Taking the first step towards seeking help can be daunting, but it is a crucial part of the healing process. Your feelings matter, and with time and support, it is possible to find a path toward greater connection and fulfillment in your life.

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