Struggling with Obesity: A Journey Through Mental Health Challenges - Psychiatry

Obesity is driving me crazy! >”<

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I have been overweight since childhood, and besides being teased and insulted by classmates and strangers (which still happens), I am often attacked by my grandmother, aunts, and all the older relatives in my family (which makes the New Year a nightmare for me).
They frequently insult me in Hakka, calling me fat (which still happens).
As a result, I feel an uncontrollable urge to explode whenever I hear certain Hakka words, such as "fat" (which has two pronunciations).
Recently, I went to En Chu Kong Hospital for an examination (hoping to get weight loss surgery) and discovered that, in addition to hereditary obesity (my dad, grandmother, and aunts are all overweight), I also have excess steroid use (due to allergies and asthma).
The excessive steroids have nearly destroyed my immune function, and I must reduce the dosage to restore my immune system before I can undergo weight loss surgery.
However, my dad seems to be brainwashed by my grandmother and aunts into believing that I eat a lot.
In the past, I would indeed eat a lot suddenly before exams, but now I eat very little.
Even the building manager is monitoring my weight loss, so to avoid him, I choose not to have lunch (only eating fruit).
I hardly eat rice anymore (I've gotten used to it), but my dad still thinks I eat a lot, and the nightmare of being overweight lingers.
I have been feeling suicidal for a while, but I am afraid of the pain, so I have held back.
Recently, my beloved rabbit (Qiu Qiu) passed away, which has made me even more miserable and suicidal (because he was my support and the embodiment of all my emotions; he was also the most affectionate and non-judgmental little bunny).
I have recently realized that even in my dreams, I am still overweight and looked down upon, and I have even had dreams about committing suicide (I've dreamt about it twice now), and in those dreams, I succeeded in committing suicide.
It feels like I am training myself to have the courage to jump off a building; the first time I was scared (but I jumped successfully), and by the second time, I had gotten used to it (also jumping successfully), even thinking that the floors weren't high enough to kill me.

A doctor suspects I might have a bit of binge eating disorder, but since I don't dare to purge, the doctor is uncertain.
I am also afraid to go out because strangers always look at me with disdain and even insult me directly.
The more I look at myself, the more I hate myself.
Since the beginning of the year until now, I have been experiencing unexplained diarrhea, with a maximum of five times a day and a minimum of two, but I haven't lost any weight.
Recently, my cousin promoted weight loss products, and I hid outside that day.
Later, I heard they brought a scale, and I told my mom that it was a good thing I wasn't home; otherwise, if they forced me to get on the scale, I might do something even I would be surprised by (I hate scales).
I dislike exercising because, since childhood, exercise has always been associated with losing weight.
Even when I am sweating profusely and feel like lying on the ground, my mom always says I don't exercise enough.
When I used to hike with older relatives, my uncle would deliberately shout in front of everyone (including strangers), "Sister, if you're tired, just rest; I won't wait for you." Being vain, I would push myself to keep going, but it resulted in severe heart pain.
When swimming, everyone looks at me with strange eyes, as if I were a monster, and I always lose in running, ending up with heart pain each time.
When I told my parents, they said it was because I was fat that it hurt, but later I found out that wasn't the case.
Due to the steroids, my arms have started to develop stretch marks, and now I have to wear long sleeves when I go out, which is really painful.
I once confided to my family about my suicidal thoughts, but my dad dismissed it, thinking I was just being overly dramatic.
I considered getting another rabbit, but it could never replace Qiu Qiu, so I gave up on that idea, and my dad also doesn't allow me to get another one.
Now that I have lost my support (Qiu Qiu), I don't know what to do.
When I eat outside, I feel the gaze of others on me, even if I'm not eating much.
Wherever I go, those scrutinizing eyes follow me, but I have to pretend to ignore the whispers.
Now, at home, whenever I eat, my dad starts to lecture or even scold me.
I have begun to feel pressure to eat at home; sometimes, I even feel anxious about being hungry and eating, fearing that if my dad finds out, I will feel as if the sky is falling.
I am losing confidence in myself, feeling like I am doing everything wrong.
Interests I once had have now faded, and I can no longer vent through eating or shopping.
I truly don't know what to do anymore.

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Linda, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2004/07/11