Dealing with Toxic Classmates: Strategies for Mental Well-Being

Hello?

Your question: I have been classmates with someone I dislike for several years.
Normally, after being friends for so long, things should get better, but I find myself hating him more and more.
I want to argue with him about everything he says, even if he is right; I still feel like cursing at him.
His behavior makes me feel like I could just explode.
Whenever I see him, I feel a surge of frustration.
He loves to compete with me, which is really frustrating (for example, if he scores higher than me on a test, he goes on and on about it).
When we drink, if he sees someone with a drink he wants, he asks to take a sip instead of just buying it himself.
He often forgets to pay back money he borrows, and I feel pressured to lend him money.
He idolizes someone named "Wang" and believes that others shouldn't criticize him, as if their preferences don't matter.
Once, when I was listening to music from another country, he asked me to go out, and when I told him to wait until I finished listening, he said, "You understand it?" But he listens to it too, so what's the difference? He writes in a diary with another classmate, and I know they discuss me in it.
It’s really hard to deal with people talking behind my back; I think many would find it unbearable.
Every day at school is painful because I have to pretend nothing is wrong, even though I can't stand him.
I have one more year until graduation, and I don't know how to endure it.
I really want to confront him and air out all my grievances, then cut ties completely.
However, in our class, there are already established friend groups, and it would feel awkward to suddenly insert myself into that dynamic.
I might even be accused of trying to steal his friends or be disliked by others.
Please tell me what I should do.
I would really appreciate your advice.
Thank you.

Xiao, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/07/22

Dr. Chen Wenyu reply Psychiatry

Hello,
Actually, everyone has some conflicting emotions to a certain extent.
According to what you said, it seems that in your small group at school, you can't avoid him, right? Do others in your group share the same feelings as you, or even feel like harming him? Or is it just you who feels this way? Perhaps what you described is indeed what makes him detestable, but he may also have many admirable qualities, right? Everyone has a good side.
If you can take the time to appreciate his other side, not only might your mixed feelings of love and hate lessen, but you also won't have to endure unpleasant emotions every day for the next year.
Don't you think? Thank you for your letter!

Reply Date: 2005/07/22

More Info

Dealing with toxic classmates can be a significant challenge, especially when you feel trapped in a situation where you are forced to interact with someone you dislike. Your feelings of frustration and anger are valid, and it's essential to address them in a constructive manner to maintain your mental well-being. Here are some strategies that may help you cope with this situation:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It's important to recognize and validate your feelings of annoyance and frustration. Suppressing these emotions can lead to increased stress and anxiety. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without judgment.

2. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with this classmate. If their behavior is intrusive or bothersome, communicate your limits. For instance, if they often borrow things without returning them, you can politely decline to lend them anything in the future. Setting boundaries can help you regain a sense of control.

3. Focus on Yourself: Shift your focus away from this classmate and concentrate on your own goals and interests. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it's studying, pursuing hobbies, or spending time with friends who uplift you. This can help reduce the emotional weight of the situation.

4. Practice Mindfulness and Stress Management: Techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing exercises can help you manage your stress levels. When you feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, take a moment to breathe deeply and center yourself. This can help you respond to the situation more calmly.

5. Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends or family members about your feelings. Sometimes, just sharing your experiences can provide relief and perspective. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing the situation with a school counselor or therapist who can offer professional guidance.

6. Limit Interaction: If possible, try to minimize your interactions with this classmate. If you find yourself in a group setting, position yourself away from them or engage with others who make you feel more comfortable. It's okay to prioritize your mental health over social obligations.

7. Reframe Your Perspective: Instead of viewing this classmate as a source of negativity, try to see them as a lesson in resilience. Every challenging interaction can teach you something about yourself and how to handle difficult people in the future.

8. Plan for the Future: Since you mentioned that you only have a year left until graduation, focus on the bigger picture. Remind yourself that this situation is temporary, and you will soon be in a different environment. Use this time to build skills in conflict resolution and emotional regulation that will serve you well in the future.

9. Consider Professional Help: If your feelings of anger and frustration become overwhelming, or if you find it difficult to cope, seeking help from a mental health professional can be beneficial. They can provide you with coping strategies tailored to your specific situation.

10. Avoid Confrontation: While it may be tempting to confront this classmate directly, consider the potential consequences. A confrontation could escalate the situation and lead to further conflict. Instead, focus on managing your emotions and responding to the situation in a way that aligns with your values.

In conclusion, dealing with toxic classmates requires a combination of self-awareness, boundary-setting, and emotional regulation. By implementing these strategies, you can navigate this challenging situation while prioritizing your mental well-being. Remember, it's okay to seek help and support when needed, and you have the power to create a more positive environment for yourself.

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