Overcoming Isolation: A Journey Through Mental Health Challenges - Psychiatry

Autism can lead to difficulties in social interactions and communication?

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I feel like an idiot, constantly being bullied.
I've been very introverted since childhood, and others say I have autism.
My elementary school teacher publicly criticized me for being too well-behaved, which made me cry.
When I was little, my parents sold fish and took me along while being chased by the police.
In elementary school, I was extorted by a group of people in the park, which scared me so much that I became dazed.
I was hit by a car from behind and didn't say a word; it felt the same as being hit.
After entering junior high, I became very overweight.
My classmates called me introverted, "big belly dummy," "smelly," and said I snored.
There were many delinquents in my class who made noise, extorted, and fought.
Even the female teacher didn't teach; when a male teacher came, he wanted me to take on a leadership role.
I didn't want to, so he told me to take care of myself, saying my family was most suitable for it.
I thought things would change when I grew up.
I mentioned that I couldn't hear well in class, and the teacher said it was just psychological and that I should go to the hospital for a check-up.
During the sports day, I wore my uniform, and the teacher asked me to switch with someone named Li Jiayi, which felt like an insult.
I said I couldn't run, and he assured me that I wouldn't have to run and asked me to switch back.
I was told to stay in the classroom and clean.
At that time, I was feeling down and threw chalk in the classroom, getting bullied by classmates.
The teacher only said not to bully others and not to let others bully me.
I told my parents I wanted to transfer schools, but my father just said that prison is darker (he has been imprisoned for gambling and disorderly conduct).
In junior high, I played badminton and accidentally hit a classmate, who then demanded compensation from me.
Later, I transferred to a vocational class in junior high, but it was still the same teacher, and I couldn't escape this environment.
In high school, I was elected as the discipline officer, but because of my past experiences, I didn't refuse.
However, due to my introversion, I was afraid to manage others and was told by the teacher that I was just a figurehead.
I didn't want to attend civic training, but the instructor said I thought I could avoid military service.
One night during class, I was hit by a motorcycle, and I didn't say anything.
After graduation, I didn't continue my studies or find a job.
When my grandmother passed away and we held the funeral, relatives commented on my weight, and during the funeral, they said I should go too.
While waiting for military service at a computer training center, after moving, I had to call to set up the internet.
The community chairperson, who lived downstairs, overheard my call and spread rumors about me conspiring to bring people over.
When a car broke down downstairs, he also spread rumors that I was responsible for it.
I felt very anxious and scared.
Later, due to physical reasons, I was assigned to alternative military service and trained at Chenggong Ridge.
During this time, my fellow alternative service members told me not to snore, or they would stuff socks in my mouth, saying I should eat well and take it easy.
They called me smelly and reported it to the counseling officer, who scolded me and told me to take a shower, asking what I learned there.
During the selection process, I didn't bring my documents; those with college degrees were selected first, and I could only choose from the leftovers.
I chose the Taipei City Police Department, but I was disqualified due to my physical condition.
They said I couldn't even speak properly.
I explained that my documents were with my family, and the police said if they were at home, then they were at home.
They questioned my ability to speak and still wanted me to choose.
Eventually, I ended up with the last remaining unit, the Fifth Special Police Corps, which is responsible for riot control and requires deployment, and it's in Kaohsiung while my home is in Taipei.
When I arrived at the Kaohsiung Renwu Camp, my superiors said I seemed strange and didn't talk to anyone, and they initially planned to reprimand me.
In Kaohsiung, there were only twenty locals from Taichung and north, and I was constantly criticized for being a "Taipei person." They said Taipei people are mute, don't apologize when stepping on others, take things without asking, and that we also need to eat and can take breaks.
There were also people trying to climb over walls while on guard duty, and they remembered my name, telling me not to report anything.
After six months of training, I was transferred to Gangshan Camp, where I assisted a female police officer with personnel affairs.
I was happy to work on the computer and sent her a message thanking her for her care and wishing her a Merry Christmas.
The female officer scolded me, saying the deputy hadn't told me how much care I received and that phone calls were free.
After hearing this, I told my old deputy that the female officer was angry.
I spoke to my old deputy in Taiwanese, saying the female officer said the deputy hadn't told me, and I should be grateful.
I then made another mistake, and my deputy said she was right; she didn't like it, so I shouldn't write again.
Later, the female officer privately told me that I should have said something earlier; she thought I wouldn't write again.
She said young people think it's nothing, but she minded it, and I shouldn't feel sad.
I also cared about her feelings, and she advised me not to assist with internal affairs.
At that time, I agreed.
Later, I asked her if she still wanted me as her assistant, and she said I should talk to the deputy.
I asked her if she didn't trust me, and she said no, I was doing well.
As a result, I told the deputy, and when I returned, she replaced me.
If there was something to do, they would call me.
When the computer broke, they wondered if someone had damaged it.
I was also bumped from behind, and when I didn't lend money, they would complain.
If I needed money for transportation and borrowed it, no one would lend me.
From that moment on, I kept walking around, thinking that I had psychological issues.
I told my superiors that I wanted psychological counseling, but they asked if I was overthinking things and why I was thinking so much.
I received a lot of hurtful comments, and no one said I couldn't support myself, so how could I support others? I wasn't taller or more handsome than anyone else.
I thought about suicide and jumping off a building.
Later, they didn't keep me in internal affairs and transferred me to external duties, constantly moving me around.
At the police station, I witnessed many gun battles, car accidents, fires, thefts, robberies, assaults, disturbances, drunkenness, domestic violence, protests, inspections, and the dark side of society frequently shown on TV.
Whenever there was a report, I had to go, which made me very scared.
I was even spat on, burned, kicked, and beaten.
They said I looked useless as a big guy, helping with the computer, and called me a waste.
When the computer broke, they said I wouldn't be able to pretend to work.
In external duties, there were also alternative service members who wanted to give me drugs.
Outside, people asked me if I wanted to pick up women, which scared me, and I was threatened by police officers at the station, who said they could pin cases on me.
They made comments about my appearance, saying I was deliberately causing trouble and didn't want to work, so I should take leave.
They joked that Chen Shui-bian's daughter wouldn't marry me, nor would the chairman's daughter marry me in the next life.
I felt a lack of maternal love and was treated like a fool.
I lost my bulletproof vest and had to pay for it, and I was pressured for three days to take leave.
I wanted to return to the camp, but my superiors told me to pay for it, and police officers were reprimanded.
They said it was more free outside, and I had to return to training.
I didn't want to stay at the police station and spent nights walking around, with everyone saying I was strange.
I followed the duty roster but was still called a fool.
My mind kept replaying the same words and events, and even after discharge, it remained the same.
I went to my sister's factory, where I applied for a twelve-hour shift without breaks for four days, with no year-end bonus.
I stood for twelve hours and was constantly yelled at, thinking about the past.
Then Carrefour asked me to go, but when I went, they didn't want me.
For over two years now, I haven't found a job, and I keep receiving calls to apply, but there are no company names, and the locations are very remote.
They said they wanted to hide and not let people know.
They also said they weren't asking me to sell anything, but I was afraid of being scammed.
When I go out, people look at me and say I'm strange.
At home, my mom talks to me in a derogatory manner, and I can't stand it.
My dad left home with another woman and came back.
I feel like I'm constantly being bullied, played with, deceived, and pushed around, which makes me very frustrated.
I feel very anxious and scared psychologically.
I don't know what to do; I keep having thoughts of stealing, robbing, killing, and hitting people, but I don't dare to act on them.

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Xiao Ming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2007/09/08