Your Partner's Sudden Desire for Children: A Mental Health Perspective

My boyfriend is insisting on having a child..?

Hello doctor, I have a small question and I'm not sure if this counts as a symptom.
Recently, my boyfriend has been insisting that I have a child.
I have been divorced and have a child, but my ex-partner has custody.
Now that I am with my current boyfriend, sometimes I take my child out to play, and he joins us.
When I asked him why he wants a child, he said he doesn't know, he just wants one.
He mentioned that he likes my son, but my boyfriend is only 20 years old and currently serving as a military police officer.
I don't understand why he suddenly feels this way...
How should I talk to him about it? Or will he just forget about it over time?

Xia Tian, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2010/06/25

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, this is a common communication issue.
The decision to have children is not a matter of right or wrong, nor is it a symptom of anything.
Aside from the two of you, it is difficult for others to weigh in.
The closer the relationship, the more different life experiences two people have, leading to more things that need to be communicated, which you should be able to understand.
I have noticed that sometimes the disagreement between spouses is merely a manifestation of underlying emotional factors or other issues.
For example, if he wants to have children with you, it might be another way of expressing his desire for progress in your relationship.
Of course, it might not be the case.
Sometimes I suggest that one partner elaborates on their reasoning, which can help identify the more significant and true issues at hand.
In fact, many people and situations are not strictly one way or the other; if the other person feels that their thoughts are understood and valued, they may not insist on their position so rigidly.
Fortunately, the decision to have children is not as urgent as deciding what to have for dinner, so there is some time to better understand his thoughts.
I am just a psychiatrist, and while I may be able to help with treatment, my life experience and communication skills are similar to everyone else's, so I cannot claim to be an expert.
These are just my humble opinions for your consideration.
Wishing you all the best.
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2010/06/25

More Info

Understanding a partner's sudden desire for children can be complex, especially when it comes unexpectedly and may not align with your own life experiences or plans. In your case, your boyfriend's desire to have children at a relatively young age, especially considering your past marriage and existing child, raises several important points to consider from a mental health perspective.

Firstly, it's essential to recognize that feelings about parenthood can be influenced by various factors, including personal experiences, societal pressures, and emotional readiness. Your boyfriend, at 20 years old, is still in a formative stage of life. His desire for children could stem from a variety of motivations, such as a longing for connection, a desire to create a family, or even a reaction to seeing you with your child. It’s not uncommon for young adults to experience a strong urge to nurture or care for children, especially if they have positive experiences with kids, like spending time with your son.

However, it’s crucial to approach this situation with open communication. Here are some steps you can take to navigate this conversation with your boyfriend:
1. Open Dialogue: Initiate a conversation about his feelings. Ask him what specifically has triggered this desire for children. Is it the joy he feels when he’s with your son? Is it a general longing for family? Understanding his motivations can help you both navigate this topic more effectively.

2. Discuss Your Perspectives: Share your feelings about having more children. Given your past experiences, you may have different views on parenting and family planning. It’s important to express your thoughts and concerns openly, including any fears you might have about the responsibilities of raising another child.

3. Consider Timing and Readiness: Discuss the implications of having children at this stage in both your lives. At 20, your boyfriend is likely still figuring out his career and personal goals. It’s essential to consider whether he is genuinely ready for the responsibilities that come with parenthood or if this desire is more of a fleeting thought influenced by emotions or circumstances.

4. Explore Alternatives: If he expresses a strong desire to nurture, perhaps there are alternative ways for him to engage with children without the immediate responsibility of parenthood. Volunteering with youth programs, mentoring, or even spending more time with your son could fulfill his nurturing instincts while allowing both of you to assess your readiness for a larger commitment.

5. Seek Professional Guidance: If this topic continues to create tension or confusion in your relationship, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. They can provide a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and help facilitate a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives.

6. Give It Time: Sometimes, feelings can change with time. If your boyfriend's desire for children is not based on a well-thought-out plan but rather a momentary feeling, it may fade as he matures and gains more life experience. However, it’s essential to keep the lines of communication open so that you can both revisit the topic as needed.

In conclusion, your boyfriend's sudden desire for children is not necessarily a symptom of a mental health issue but rather a complex emotional response that warrants careful consideration and discussion. By fostering open communication, understanding each other's perspectives, and exploring the underlying motivations, you can navigate this sensitive topic together. Remember, parenting is a significant commitment that requires mutual agreement and readiness, and it’s perfectly okay to take the time to explore these feelings before making any decisions.

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