Overcoming Insecurity: Finding Confidence and Inner Peace

Feeling anxious due to a lack of self-confidence?

I often feel like there is something weighing on my heart, and I'm not very happy.
I think it might be due to a lack of confidence, which causes me to feel anxious and tense.
Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, leading me to rub my feet together or inflict pain on myself to distract my attention.
I might grab my arms tightly or clench my fists to create a sense of pressure that makes me feel better.
This seems to be a method I learned later on, which emerges when I truly can't stand myself.

What does it mean to not be able to tolerate myself? It feels like frustration with myself! I often think I'm not good enough, not likable, not the center of attention, lacking creativity, and not interesting.
"Interesting people find it easier to make friends." Because of my lack of confidence, my emotional state is often unstable, influenced by external factors (sounds, others' actions).
It feels like my gaze is always focused on others, living according to their values, which exhausts me.
I can't be myself; I lack the courage to escape this cage.
My attention is always on others, leading me to doubt myself.
I know I can't meet everyone's expectations, nor can I be liked by everyone, yet I often feel that only when I receive validation from others does it prove my existence and worth.

I frequently think I've achieved something, but in the quiet of the night, sadness begins again.
I often feel satisfied when I receive affirmation, but anxious when I face denial.
However, my true inner self doesn't gain self-acceptance from affirmation; instead, I believe the negative feedback.
How can I build confidence this way? Confidence takes time and sometimes does require external validation, but in my case, I can't believe the good things people say, while I readily accept the bad.
It feels like I'm searching for evidence in life to prove I'm inadequate! Even I find it boring—it's too exaggerated.
Is there a way to address these issues by seeing a psychiatrist? I don't know how to find strength.
Also, is the act of transferring attention through pain, if not severe, considered a disorder? I kindly ask for your clarification, thank you.

SEL, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2010/11/28

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, your letter describes a profound and candid inner transformation, which resonates with many people's feelings.
Your concerns are universal; everyone experiences these dilemmas to some extent.
The contradiction of wanting affirmation from others while not wanting to live for them is something we encounter from childhood to old age, with the only difference being whether these thoughts cause us emotional distress.
For those with high self-expectations, I would suggest sincerely accepting a fact: "We cannot excel at everything, and we cannot receive praise and affection from everyone." Even the most morally upright saints and religious figures have their detractors.
This world does not operate on a single standard; everyone has different perspectives, and we cannot please everyone, nor should we try—it’s exhausting! We only need to ask ourselves if we have done our best within our capabilities and if we can be at peace with our conscience.
The outcome and others' reactions should not weigh heavily on us, as everything will eventually pass.
Moreover, if we temporarily step away from the painful present and pull our thoughts back to the past or even imagine the future, we will realize that both good and bad experiences are not permanent.
Nothing remains unchanged forever.
Disappointing someone does not mean they will always be disappointed in us; perhaps the next moment will bring a different experience that changes their perception entirely.
Similarly, positive experiences are also fleeting.
When someone praises or likes us, we must understand that this is temporary—whether it lasts a few hours or stretches over months or years, feelings can fade or even turn adversarial.
In facing the dilemmas you mentioned, some people actively try to cater to those they deem important, which can be exhausting and lead to a loss of self; others may fear being hurt and refrain from expressing themselves, maintaining distance.
Most people fall somewhere in between these two approaches.
I have observed a paradoxical situation: those who are less attached to others' opinions tend to be more popular, while those who care too much about others' perceptions often create a sense of pressure in their interactions.
Here’s a remedy you might try: help others selflessly, and once you've helped, quietly step away without expecting any response or reward in return.
Many who have tried this report feeling much happier than before.
If your distress is severe and affects your normal life, work, or studies, seeking help from a psychiatrist is also an option.
Wishing you peace and freedom from burdens.
Sincerely,
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan

Reply Date: 2010/11/28

More Info

Overcoming insecurity and finding inner peace is a journey that many individuals face, often marked by self-doubt, anxiety, and a constant need for external validation. Your feelings of inadequacy and the pressure to meet others' expectations are common experiences that can significantly impact your mental health and overall well-being. Let's explore some strategies to help you navigate these challenges and foster a greater sense of self-confidence and inner peace.

Understanding Insecurity
Insecurity often stems from a lack of self-acceptance and the belief that one's worth is contingent upon external validation. This can lead to a cycle of seeking approval from others while simultaneously feeling unworthy when that approval is not received. It's essential to recognize that this pattern can be detrimental to your mental health. The feelings of inadequacy you describe—believing you are not good enough, interesting, or creative—are often amplified by negative self-talk and comparison to others.

The Role of Self-Compassion
One effective way to combat insecurity is through self-compassion. This involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Instead of criticizing yourself for perceived shortcomings, practice acknowledging your feelings without judgment. For instance, when you feel inadequate, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way and that many people experience similar feelings. Self-compassion can help reduce the intensity of negative emotions and foster a more positive self-image.

Mindfulness and Living in the Present
You mentioned the importance of focusing on the present moment. Mindfulness practices can be incredibly beneficial in this regard. Engaging in mindfulness meditation or simply taking a few moments each day to breathe deeply and center yourself can help ground your thoughts and reduce anxiety. By focusing on the present, you can diminish the power of past regrets and future worries, allowing you to experience life more fully.

Challenging Negative Thoughts
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly useful for addressing the negative thought patterns that contribute to insecurity. When you notice thoughts like "I am not good enough" or "People don’t like me," challenge these beliefs by asking yourself for evidence. Are there instances where you have received positive feedback? Have you made meaningful connections with others? By reframing your thoughts and focusing on positive experiences, you can gradually shift your mindset.

Building Self-Esteem Through Action
Taking small steps towards your goals can also help build self-esteem. Set achievable, realistic goals for yourself, and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Engaging in activities that you enjoy or that challenge you can provide a sense of achievement and reinforce your self-worth. Whether it’s pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or learning a new skill, these experiences can help you recognize your value beyond others' opinions.

Seeking Professional Help
If your feelings of insecurity and self-doubt persist and significantly impact your daily life, seeking help from a mental health professional can be a valuable step. A therapist can provide you with tools and strategies tailored to your specific needs and help you work through underlying issues contributing to your insecurity. Therapy can also offer a safe space to explore your feelings and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Conclusion
In summary, overcoming insecurity and finding inner peace is a multifaceted process that involves self-compassion, mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts, and taking actionable steps towards personal growth. Remember that building self-confidence takes time, and it’s okay to seek help along the way. By focusing on your strengths and practicing self-acceptance, you can gradually shift your perspective and cultivate a more positive relationship with yourself. Embrace the journey, and be patient with yourself as you work towards a more confident and fulfilling life.

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