Overcoming the Struggle of Excessive Concern for Others' Opinions

Caring about others?

I have been struggling with being overly concerned about what others think of me.
I know it's excessive, yet I can't seem to shake it off.
I understand that it's natural for people to care about others' opinions, but I feel like I take it to an extreme.
I believe that concern should be directed towards those who matter, particularly those I am close to, rather than feeling like I need to care about everyone.
This obsession causes me a lot of pain; just a glance or a gesture from someone can hurt me deeply.
Regardless of how I react, I end up criticizing myself, feeling like my response was inadequate, and I struggle to accept myself.
For instance, when I'm angry and dealing with a situation, someone nearby might want to show concern, but I’m too overwhelmed to respond positively, which leads to me having a bad demeanor and not wanting to talk.
Later, I might worry about it for a long time, feeling embarrassed and hesitant to resolve the situation, even though the other person might not have taken it seriously.
This makes me feel frustrated with myself, as I become overly sensitive to every little thing, which exhausts me and prevents me from being happy, making me feel like I can't do anything right.
Additionally, I have deep concerns about friendships.
I fear rejection, and if I have to say goodbye, I will always be the first to do so, driven by a fear of being abandoned.
During conversations, I often check my watch, worried that I might be wasting someone’s time and questioning whether they even want to talk to me.
Although some people tell me that if they have something to do, they will naturally bring it up and that I shouldn't worry so much, I also hear that my attentiveness to others' needs is a sign of being considerate.
I often worry about inconveniencing others, which is why I both long for connection and fear getting hurt.
I genuinely want to share more and talk more, but I worry that the other person may not want to listen.
This leaves me in a constant state of feeling "lost," looking for support in others' eyes, yet wondering when I can be my own source of strength.
Sometimes, I even feel like I'm going crazy, telling my friends that I am a very fragile and easily hurt person.
I often wonder if I am seeking comfort or if others see me as a joke.
I fear being ignored, even though I should be considered a "likable" person.
This creates a whirlwind of contradictory thoughts that leave me exhausted.

Ironically, if I see a friend getting close to another friend, I feel a sense of jealousy, as if my friend is being taken away from me.
It's quite amusing, considering I am already 30 years old.
Perhaps everyone wants to be an important part of someone else's life, to hold a special place in their hearts.
I desperately wish to be the most important person in my friends' lives, to be unique and meaningful.
How can I change how others perceive me? I would greatly appreciate any advice.
Thank you.

sines, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2011/03/20

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, your concerns are actually something everyone experiences to some extent.
Caring about others makes the realization of moral and legal principles possible.
If we all disregarded others, society would become a terrifying place where everyone acts solely on their own desires.
I suggest that caring for others should be meaningful and not bring personal distress; the motivation and purpose should be altruistic, or at least for the greater good that includes oneself rather than just our individual interests.

Moreover, we often desire many things we like while rejecting those we dislike.
For the things we enjoy, we hope to possess them for a long time; for the things we dislike, we wish they would disappear immediately.
Living in this world, events naturally occur—some good, some bad.
Some are caused by us, while others inexplicably happen to us.
Our emotions can fluctuate between excitement and feeling wronged.

The most important fact is that, regardless of our preferences or efforts, nothing in this world is permanent.
It's not just that good times don't last; even unfavorable situations eventually come to an end.
How much will our current struggles affect us next week, next month, a year from now, or even ten years later? We enjoy being praised, being needed, and being considered important; this desire remains unchanged from childhood to old age.
This is actually a positive force, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

However, the truth is that the most important person in everyone's heart is themselves: what to have for dinner, whether to switch to a new phone, students worry about their exams, employees care about their salaries and work environment, those who are single seek a partner, and those who are married with children wonder when they can relieve their burdens.
Older individuals may worry about illness, separation, and the fear of death.
Have we ever considered which friend we think about most often and admire? Not to mention, under the social etiquette and cultural norms, people often say one thing while meaning another, and we must be cautious of that!
When we realize that everyone is striving to live their own lives and is not constantly focused on us, we can naturally free ourselves from this pain.
When good things we anticipate happen, we should not get overly excited; conversely, when undesirable events occur, we should learn to accept them as an inevitable part of life, handle them patiently, and wait for the storm to pass.
Lastly, try to incorporate humor, make fun of yourself, and it will help you feel less tense! Wishing you all the best, Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2011/03/20

More Info

Overcoming the struggle of excessive concern for others' opinions can be a challenging journey, but it is essential for personal growth and emotional well-being. Your feelings of anxiety and self-doubt are not uncommon, and many people experience similar struggles. The key is to recognize these patterns and work towards changing them.

Firstly, it is important to understand that the desire for acceptance and validation from others is a natural human instinct. However, when this desire becomes excessive, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. You mentioned that you often feel hurt by others' reactions, even when they may not be significant or intentional. This heightened sensitivity can stem from a fear of rejection or a deep-seated belief that your worth is contingent upon others' opinions.

One effective strategy to combat this excessive concern is to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during moments of perceived failure or inadequacy. Instead of harshly criticizing yourself for your reactions or feelings, try to acknowledge them without judgment. For instance, if you find yourself feeling upset about a friend's reaction, remind yourself that it is okay to feel this way and that your feelings are valid. This shift in perspective can help reduce the intensity of your emotional responses.

Another helpful approach is to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly useful in this regard. When you notice yourself engaging in negative self-talk, such as "I always mess things up" or "They must think I'm annoying," take a moment to question these thoughts. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support them or if they are simply assumptions you are making. Often, you will find that these thoughts are exaggerated or unfounded.

Additionally, setting boundaries in your relationships can help you manage your concerns about others' opinions. It is essential to recognize that you cannot control how others perceive you, and trying to do so can lead to unnecessary stress. Focus on nurturing relationships that are supportive and understanding, and consider distancing yourself from those that consistently make you feel inadequate or anxious.

Engaging in mindfulness practices can also be beneficial. Mindfulness encourages you to stay present and aware of your thoughts and feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or journaling can help you cultivate a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Furthermore, it may be helpful to explore the root causes of your fear of rejection and abandonment. Reflect on past experiences that may have contributed to these feelings. Understanding the origins of your concerns can provide valuable insights and help you develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Lastly, consider seeking support from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for managing anxiety and self-doubt. A therapist can help you work through your concerns and guide you towards building a more positive self-image.

In conclusion, overcoming the struggle of excessive concern for others' opinions requires a combination of self-compassion, cognitive restructuring, boundary-setting, mindfulness, and professional support. Remember that it is a journey, and progress may take time. Be patient with yourself as you work towards a healthier relationship with yourself and others. You deserve to feel confident and secure in your identity, independent of others' perceptions.

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