Overcoming Social Anxiety: Your Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing - Psychiatry

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Interpersonal relationships


Hello, Doctor.
I apologize for bothering you, but I have a persistent issue that troubles me.
I often feel anxious and fearful about saying the wrong thing and making others unhappy or dislike me.
After conversations, I constantly replay the interaction in my mind, checking if I made any mistakes.
If someone has a strange expression, I wonder if I said something wrong or if they misunderstood me.
This has also happened in school; I frequently find myself questioning whether I said something incorrect during class.
After class, I would ask others, only to find out they weren't upset at all.
It seems like I'm overthinking every time, while others aren't concerned at all.
Is there something wrong with me? I keep guessing in my mind whether others misunderstand me or if I regret not expressing myself well enough, which might lead to others being unhappy or disliking me.
I worry about how others perceive me, but it always turns out to be my overthinking.
This is really distressing.
I keep telling myself not to feel this way, but I often can't control it.
It's exhausting.
Could this be a mental health issue? I'm sorry to trouble you!

Niming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/07/11

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry


Hello, first of all, paying attention to your behavior in front of others shows that you are certainly a considerate and polite person, which has become an increasingly rare quality in modern society.
I believe you should encourage yourself and appreciate this trait.
Of course, extremes in behavior can lead to discomfort for others or yourself.
Perhaps you have had experiences where your words upset someone, which may have reinforced your concerns.
We must understand that it is impossible to avoid offending anyone while trying to please everyone; that is simply not feasible.
No matter how accommodating we try to be, others may not always appreciate it.
We should seek a behavioral pattern that resonates with the majority as a benchmark for our self-evaluation.
If our actions align with the social etiquette we are expected to observe, we should not be overly concerned with whether others' reactions meet our expectations.
In this society, there are all kinds of people, including those who are unreasonable, self-centered, and who may twist the truth.
It is not always our fault when issues arise.
Additionally, some individuals may lack confidence and be more sensitive in interpersonal relationships, which could warrant exploration of their inner personality development.
At just 20 years old, you still have a high degree of plasticity.
If possible, consider asking a physician for a referral to a psychologist; the chances for improvement are quite significant.
Wishing you all the best.
Sincerely, Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2015/07/11

More Info


Overcoming social anxiety, particularly the fear of saying the wrong thing, can be a challenging journey. It’s important to recognize that what you’re experiencing is not uncommon and can be addressed with the right strategies and support. Your concerns about how others perceive you and the anxiety that follows interactions are indicative of social anxiety disorder (SAD), which is characterized by an intense fear of social situations where one might be judged or scrutinized by others.

Firstly, it’s essential to understand that the fear of saying something wrong is often rooted in a deeper fear of rejection or embarrassment. This fear can lead to a cycle of overthinking and self-doubt, where you replay conversations in your mind, worrying about how you might have come across. This behavior can be exhausting and can significantly impact your social interactions and overall quality of life.

One effective approach to managing this anxiety is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns and beliefs that contribute to their anxiety. For instance, when you find yourself worrying about how others perceive your words, it can be helpful to ask yourself: “What evidence do I have that they are upset with me?” Often, you may find that your fears are unfounded. Practicing this kind of self-reflection can gradually reduce the intensity of your anxiety.

Another useful technique is to shift your focus during conversations. Instead of concentrating on how you are being perceived, try to engage more deeply with the other person. Listen actively and respond to what they are saying rather than worrying about your next response. This not only helps to alleviate pressure but also fosters a more genuine connection with others.

Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can also be beneficial. Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation can help calm your mind and body before and during social interactions. When you feel anxious, your body tends to react with physical symptoms, such as increased heart rate or shallow breathing. By practicing relaxation techniques, you can help mitigate these symptoms and feel more at ease.

It’s also important to challenge the belief that you must please everyone or avoid offending anyone at all costs. Understand that it is impossible to control how others feel or react. People have their own thoughts and emotions that are often unrelated to you. Accepting this can be liberating and can help reduce the pressure you place on yourself in social situations.

Additionally, consider seeking support from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies tailored to your specific needs. A therapist can help you work through your fears and develop a more positive self-image.

Lastly, remember that overcoming social anxiety is a gradual process. Celebrate small victories, whether it’s initiating a conversation or expressing your thoughts in a group setting. Each step forward is progress, and with time, you can build confidence in your social interactions.

In conclusion, while your concerns about social interactions and the fear of saying the wrong thing are valid, they can be addressed through various strategies, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness practices, and seeking professional support. You are not alone in this experience, and with the right tools and support, you can learn to navigate social situations with greater ease and confidence.

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