How to Support a Friend Struggling with Emotional Turmoil?

How can I help my friend?

Hello, Dr.
Wang.
My boyfriend has been struggling with emotional regulation for some time.
He is a humorous and talkative person, but once he gets home or is alone, he becomes quiet and withdrawn.
It's like a switch; he is active and engaged in front of others, but turns off and becomes silent when alone.
I think many people experience this inconsistency in behavior to some extent, so I haven't thought much of it.

What concerns me is that when he has a serious conflict with someone, he initially expresses his anger and dissatisfaction, but after considering the interpersonal relationship, he becomes calm, as if nothing has happened.
He continues to engage with the person he is unhappy with, joking and being proactive, even if the other person responds coldly, which makes it seem like he has moved on from the unpleasant experience.
In reality, his emotions have not settled; they are like a delicious hot pot that appears harmless on the outside but is scalding inside.

He cannot find an outlet for his emotions, and neither exercise nor his hobbies help alleviate the anger he feels.
We have discussed his situation but have not found any effective ways to assist him.
He feels frustrated with himself and struggles to suppress thoughts of harming the other person, trying to avoid encounters to minimize any potential outbursts.
It has been nearly two months since their conflict began, and the situation has not improved.
My boyfriend is now so frustrated that he is questioning whether he has a dual personality.

Could you please provide us with some advice? Does this situation require medical attention? If so, which specialty should we consult? I apologize for the lengthy message and appreciate your patience.
I look forward to your prompt response.

IL, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2011/03/29

Dr. Wang Chongren reply Psychiatry

Dear Dr.
Wang Chong-Jen, Department of Psychiatry, Tainan Hospital, Ministry of Health and Welfare:
Hello,
Your letter regarding your boyfriend's issues and personality description suggests a clear connection between his current distress and his personality and interpersonal interactions.
This has evidently affected his emotional state, leading to feelings of depression.
If he has been experiencing depressive symptoms for two months, it indicates insufficient adjustment in his interpersonal relationships.
It is advisable for him to seek evaluation from a psychosomatic or psychiatric specialist.
The goal is to utilize the therapeutic relationship to express emotions and reconsider coping strategies.
If necessary, a referral to a psychologist for psychotherapy may be warranted.
Wishing you good health and peace of mind!
Sincerely,
Department of Psychiatry, Tainan Hospital, Ministry of Health and Welfare

Reply Date: 2011/03/29

More Info

Supporting a friend who is struggling with emotional turmoil can be a challenging yet rewarding experience. Your boyfriend's situation, characterized by a stark contrast between his public persona and private emotional state, suggests he may be dealing with deeper issues that require attention. Here are some strategies and insights that may help you support him effectively.

Understanding Emotional Turmoil
Emotional turmoil can manifest in various ways, including mood swings, irritability, and difficulty in expressing feelings. Your boyfriend's behavior—being lively in social settings but withdrawn and silent when alone—indicates a possible struggle with emotional regulation. This duality can often lead to feelings of isolation and confusion, both for him and for those around him.

Encourage Open Communication
One of the most effective ways to support someone in emotional distress is to foster an environment where they feel safe to express their feelings. Encourage your boyfriend to talk about his emotions without fear of judgment. You might say something like, "I’m here for you, and it’s okay to share what you’re feeling." Sometimes, just knowing that someone is willing to listen can be immensely comforting.

Suggest Professional Help
Given that your boyfriend has been experiencing these emotional challenges for an extended period, it may be beneficial for him to seek professional help. A mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, can provide a safe space for him to explore his feelings and develop coping strategies. They can also assess whether he might benefit from therapy, medication, or a combination of both.

Explore Therapy Options
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for individuals struggling with emotional regulation and interpersonal conflicts. CBT helps individuals identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors, which can be particularly useful for someone who feels overwhelmed by their emotions. Additionally, group therapy might provide him with a sense of community and understanding, as he would be surrounded by others facing similar challenges.

Encourage Healthy Outlets
While your boyfriend has tried to manage his emotions through exercise and hobbies, it may be helpful to explore additional outlets for emotional expression. Activities such as journaling, art, or music can provide a non-verbal way for him to process his feelings. Encourage him to find what resonates with him and to make time for these activities regularly.

Be Patient and Understanding
It’s important to remember that emotional healing is a process that takes time. Your boyfriend may have good days and bad days, and it’s crucial to be patient with him. Avoid pushing him to "get over it" or to "just be happy." Instead, validate his feelings by acknowledging that it’s okay to feel upset or confused.

Set Boundaries for Yourself
While it’s commendable that you want to support your boyfriend, it’s also essential to take care of your own emotional well-being. Supporting someone in distress can be draining, so ensure you have your own support system in place. This might include friends, family, or even a counselor for yourself.

Conclusion
In summary, supporting a friend through emotional turmoil involves open communication, encouraging professional help, exploring therapeutic options, and fostering healthy emotional outlets. Your boyfriend's situation is complex, and while your support is invaluable, professional guidance may be necessary for him to navigate his feelings effectively. Remember, you are not alone in this; seeking help for both of you can lead to a healthier and more supportive relationship.

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