How to Ignore Hurtful Words from a Mentally Ill Family Member - Psychiatry

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How to treat someone else's words as if they were air?


Hello Doctor: I have a family member with a long-term mental illness who speaks very harshly and cruelly.
They often share negative things about our home with others, and what bothers me the most is that they constantly compare my achievements to those of others.
It really frustrates me.
I’ve asked them to stop talking, but they deliberately continue, which makes me feel very upset and insecure, preventing me from connecting with others.
I can no longer tolerate this person.
What should I do? Their words are infuriating, and I feel like losing control and wanting to lash out.
How can I treat what this person says as if it were air? Otherwise, I am constantly troubled by their words, and it’s very annoying! Thank you!

Niming, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2015/07/17

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry


Hello, regarding the situation mentioned in your letter, I don't have a better suggestion, but here are some thoughts for your consideration.
When someone criticizes us or complains incessantly, we often feel upset, partly because we feel the need to respond to their behavior.
For example, if we are walking down the street and a disheveled homeless person loudly curses at us, if we perceive that they might be mentally unstable, we may choose to ignore them and not feel angry, simply continuing on our way.
However, if we feel compelled to react to their behavior, we become involved, paying attention to their words, their fierce expressions, and gestures, which can then escalate our emotions.
Living with someone who has a mental illness under the same roof can be challenging.
However, try to focus on your own activities and remind yourself that you do not need to react to them.
If possible, temporarily remove yourself from the situation and avoid being in close proximity.
Nowadays, everyone has headphones with their smartphones; you can pretend to listen to music as a way to cope.
Give it a try.
Wishing you all the best,
Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan

Reply Date: 2015/07/17

More Info


Dealing with hurtful words from a mentally ill family member can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. It’s important to recognize that their behavior often stems from their mental health issues, which can distort their perceptions and lead to harmful communication. Here are some strategies to help you cope with this situation effectively.


Understanding the Source of Hurtful Words
Firstly, it’s crucial to understand that individuals with mental health issues may not fully grasp the impact of their words. Their comments may be a reflection of their own struggles, insecurities, or distorted thinking patterns. This understanding can help you detach emotionally from their hurtful remarks. Remember, their words are more about their internal battles than about your worth or character.


Setting Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is essential when dealing with a family member who exhibits harmful behavior. You have the right to protect your emotional well-being. Communicate your boundaries calmly and assertively. For example, you might say, “I understand you’re upset, but I cannot engage in conversations that are hurtful or disrespectful.” If they continue to cross these boundaries, it may be necessary to limit your interactions with them, especially in emotionally charged situations.


Practicing Emotional Detachment
One effective technique is to practice emotional detachment. This doesn’t mean you stop caring about the person; rather, it involves recognizing that their words do not define you. When they say something hurtful, try to visualize their words as arrows that bounce off an invisible shield around you. This mental exercise can help you maintain your self-esteem and emotional stability.


Seeking Support
It’s vital to have a support system in place. Talk to friends, other family members, or a mental health professional about your experiences. Sharing your feelings can provide relief and help you gain perspective. Support groups, either in-person or online, can also be beneficial, as they connect you with others who understand what you’re going through.


Engaging in Self-Care
Prioritize self-care to help manage the stress that comes from dealing with a mentally ill family member. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercise, hobbies, or mindfulness practices. These activities can help you recharge and build resilience against the negativity you may encounter at home.


Encouraging Professional Help
If your family member is open to it, encourage them to seek professional help. Therapy can provide them with tools to manage their mental health and improve their communication skills. However, it’s important to approach this suggestion delicately, as they may be resistant to the idea. Frame it as a way for them to feel better and improve their relationships, rather than as a critique of their behavior.


Practicing Mindfulness and Stress-Reduction Techniques
Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep-breathing exercises, can help you stay grounded during difficult interactions. These techniques can reduce anxiety and help you respond to hurtful comments with calmness rather than anger. When you feel overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe deeply and center yourself before responding or reacting.


Conclusion
In conclusion, dealing with hurtful words from a mentally ill family member requires a combination of understanding, boundary-setting, emotional detachment, and self-care. While it’s challenging, remember that you are not alone in this struggle. Seek support, prioritize your well-being, and encourage your family member to pursue professional help if possible. By implementing these strategies, you can create a healthier emotional environment for yourself and potentially foster better communication within your family.

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