Dealing with a Toxic Partner: Recognizing Signs of Emotional Abuse

The other party exhibits traits of a paranoid or obsessive partner?

I have been with this boyfriend for three years, and during this time, we have had frequent arguments—small fights every three days and major fights every five days.
Each time we argue, it feels like the roof is about to blow off.
Eventually, I got really tired of fighting and decided to break up...
It has been almost six months since then.
He has never admitted that we broke up, so he keeps reaching out to me.
Whenever I say something he doesn't want to hear, he threatens me with phrases like, "Do you want to die? You'll pay the price..." Perhaps you, as a doctor, would suggest that I should choose not to contact him, but when I don't answer his calls (he's the type who can call nearly a hundred times in one night if I don't pick up), he shows up outside my house yelling for me to answer the phone...
I really hate being pointed at by my neighbors! I don't know what to do! I can't just move out or change jobs for the sake of this relationship...
Often, when we have disagreements, it leads to huge fights.
I don't want my family and friends to worry about me, and I increasingly avoid bringing up these issues.
However, every time we argue, my emotions seem to become more unbearable...
I often feel like I'm going crazy and can't find a way to vent my feelings...
I've noticed that I've started to redirect my frustration onto myself, engaging in self-harm...
Recently, when he came to cause a scene, to force him to leave, I even threatened him with a utility knife against my own arm...
After he left, I realized my arm was bleeding...
Now, even when I watch comedy shows that I find genuinely funny, I end up crying...
After these dramatic incidents, I just want to hide in my room, not talk to anyone, and avoid facing people...
I feel like my anger and breakdowns when dealing with him make me feel terrifying and loathsome...
I've considered seeing a psychiatrist, but I feel like I'm not severe enough to need one, as I can maintain normal emotions when interacting with others.
Even if I was red-faced arguing with him just a minute ago, once I hang up, I don't carry that anger onto others; my emotional transitions are very quick (one moment crying, the next smiling at someone else)...
I also understand that he has significant issues with emotional management.
Whenever he drives me to the brink of madness, I really want to tell his family about his problems, but...
my rational side tells me not to do that...
So sometimes, I genuinely feel like if I were dead, I wouldn't see anything and wouldn't have to be angry...
I wouldn't have to make myself so miserable...

milly, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2016/06/25

Dr. Zhong Mingxun reply Psychiatry

Your situation is already quite serious.
If you are contemplating self-harm, it indicates a significant emotional distress that should not be taken lightly.
I encourage you to seek professional help as soon as possible, whether from a psychiatrist or a psychologist, to at least reduce the risk of self-harm.
Furthermore, considering the impact this frightening individual has had on your life, it is crucial that you take steps to protect yourself.
However, it seems you may be struggling to take those brave actions to safeguard your well-being.
This could be due to feelings of compassion, fear, or attachment.
I strongly encourage you to seek professional assistance promptly and to courageously stand up for your own protection, which will truly reassure those who care about you.

Reply Date: 2016/06/25

More Info

Dealing with a toxic partner can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. It sounds like you are in a situation where emotional abuse is present, characterized by manipulation, threats, and a lack of respect for your boundaries. Recognizing the signs of emotional abuse is the first step toward reclaiming your mental health and well-being.

Signs of Emotional Abuse
1. Manipulation and Control: Your partner's behavior of constantly calling and showing up uninvited is a clear sign of manipulation. This behavior is intended to control you and make you feel guilty for not responding to him.

2. Threats and Intimidation: The threats you mentioned, such as "I will make you pay," are forms of intimidation that can instill fear. This is a common tactic used by abusers to maintain power over their victims.

3. Frequent Arguments: The pattern of frequent and escalating arguments can be indicative of a toxic relationship. Healthy relationships involve conflict resolution, not constant fighting.

4. Isolation: You mentioned feeling unable to talk to friends or family about your situation. Abusers often isolate their partners from their support systems to maintain control.

5. Self-Harm: The fact that you resorted to self-harm as a way to cope with the emotional pain is a serious concern. This behavior is often a cry for help and indicates that you are in a state of distress.

Steps to Take
1. Seek Professional Help: It’s commendable that you are considering seeing a mental health professional. You do not need to be in a "severe" state to seek help. A therapist can provide you with coping strategies, help you process your feelings, and assist you in developing a safety plan.

2. Establish Boundaries: It’s crucial to set clear boundaries with your partner. This may include blocking his number or limiting contact through social media. If he continues to violate these boundaries, it may be necessary to involve authorities.

3. Document Everything: Keep a record of any threatening messages or behaviors. This documentation can be useful if you decide to take legal action or seek a restraining order.

4. Reach Out for Support: While you may feel hesitant to involve friends or family, having a support system is vital. Consider confiding in someone you trust who can provide emotional support and guidance.

5. Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being. This could include exercise, meditation, or hobbies that bring you joy. Taking care of your physical and mental health is essential during this time.

6. Consider a Safety Plan: If you feel threatened, develop a safety plan. This could include identifying a safe place to go, having a bag packed with essentials, and knowing who to call for help.

Conclusion
It’s important to recognize that you deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy, respectful, and supportive. Emotional abuse can have long-lasting effects on your mental health, and it’s crucial to take steps to protect yourself. Seeking help from a mental health professional can provide you with the tools you need to navigate this difficult situation and ultimately lead to a healthier, happier life. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you through this challenging time.

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