Confusion: Navigating Anxiety and Sexual Orientation Questions

Frustration, anxiety, and uncertainty?

Hello, doctor.
I would like to ask you a question and express what’s been on my mind.
Here’s the situation: some time ago, I started to question my sexual orientation.
During my middle school years, I had no feelings for boys at all, but I had a crush on a girl.
I remember when I was in sixth grade, about to enter seventh, I accidentally came across adult films, and I felt quite excited at that time.
Later on, I mostly watched films featuring women, and when I did watch men, it was mostly for the purpose of male masturbation.
I often thought about competing with the men in those films (which sounds silly), but I’ve only seen a few, and I can count them on my fingers.

Recently, I’ve started to feel something strange towards boys.
Sometimes I find certain boys to be very charming and attractive, and I feel a sense of warmth and support from them.
I wonder if this feeling is related to my decreasing interaction with my family, especially my father, or if I might actually have same-sex attraction.
This feeling of wanting to be cared for has been lingering in my mind, and I can’t seem to forget it.
It’s quite frustrating.
I’ve never experienced this before, but ever since I started having thoughts about possibly being gay, I can’t shake them off.
Some days are better, while others are filled with anxiety.
Doctor, could I possibly have same-sex attraction?
By the way, a few days ago, while I was masturbating, I accidentally came across a gay film that only had anal scenes without showing faces or upper bodies, and I had a slight physiological reaction.
However, this morning, when I watched a gay film again to confirm, I didn’t have the same reaction.
What could this mean? Is it just a physiological response triggered by specific factors? Thank you very much!

Yi Ye Xiao Cao, 10~19 year old female. Ask Date: 2021/07/22

Dr. Liao Dinglie reply Psychiatry

Hi there, it's great to see you making an effort to communicate more and understand yourself better regarding your emotions.
In your message, you mentioned "sexual orientation," which refers to whether you are attracted to "other males," "females," or "both." You also recognize that not everyone is appealing to you; it's not simply "I like all girls" or "I like all boys," but rather "I like him, and he is a male," and so on.
The feelings you are experiencing are accompanied by self-doubt: "Do I really like him? Is it a problem that I like boys?" At your age, it's natural to have a lot of curiosity about love and sexuality, and this is completely normal.

However, you also sense that people's attractions can change over time.
The type of person you are attracted to may vary as you grow.
What I want to emphasize is that in ancient China and ancient Greece, there were cultures that accepted diverse orientations.
The important factors are not necessarily "the other person is male" or "the other person is female," but rather "I truly like him (or her)," "he (or she) likes me," and "this relationship is blessed." Such feelings can lead to happiness and fulfillment rather than confusion and uncertainty, which is not easy to achieve.
If you remain patient and open-minded while interacting with the person you like, you may come to understand yourself better.
This understanding will also help others understand you, facilitating your relationships.
Exploring adult content to understand yourself may not be as beneficial as forming real friendships.
I wish you the best in your journey to better understand yourself and learn how to connect with others.

Dr.
Liao Ding-Lie

Reply Date: 2021/07/22

More Info

Navigating questions about sexual orientation can be a complex and often anxiety-inducing experience, especially during formative years. It’s important to understand that feelings of confusion and anxiety regarding one’s sexual orientation are common and can arise from various factors, including personal experiences, societal expectations, and familial relationships.

From what you’ve described, it seems you are experiencing a range of feelings and thoughts about your sexual orientation. You mentioned having had crushes on girls in the past, but recently, you’ve started to feel attracted to certain boys, which is causing you confusion. This shift in feelings can be unsettling, especially if you have previously identified as not having any attraction to boys. It’s crucial to remember that sexual orientation can be fluid and may evolve over time. Many people find that their attractions can change as they grow and experience new relationships.

The feelings of warmth and comfort you associate with certain boys might not necessarily indicate a definitive sexual orientation but could reflect a desire for connection and intimacy, which is a natural human need. The lack of interaction with family members, particularly your father, could also contribute to your feelings of wanting to connect with male figures in your life. It’s not uncommon for individuals to seek out relationships that fulfill emotional needs, especially if they feel a void in their familial relationships.

Regarding your physiological reactions during sexual arousal, it’s important to understand that sexual arousal can occur in response to a variety of stimuli, and it doesn’t always correlate directly with sexual orientation. The fact that you had a physiological response while watching a particular type of adult film does not definitively indicate your sexual orientation. It could simply be a response to the visual stimuli, which can happen regardless of one’s sexual preferences.
It’s also worth noting that many people experience anxiety when questioning their sexual orientation. This anxiety can stem from fear of societal judgment, internalized beliefs about sexuality, or concerns about acceptance from friends and family. It’s essential to approach these feelings with self-compassion and patience. Allow yourself the space to explore your feelings without the pressure of labeling yourself immediately.

Here are some strategies to help you navigate this period of confusion and anxiety:
1. Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your feelings and attractions. Journaling can be a helpful tool to articulate your thoughts and emotions. Write about your experiences, feelings, and any patterns you notice in your attractions.

2. Educate Yourself: Learning more about sexual orientation can help demystify your feelings. Understanding the spectrum of sexual orientation, including bisexuality and fluidity, may provide clarity and comfort.

3. Seek Support: If possible, talk to someone you trust about your feelings. This could be a friend, a family member, or a counselor. Sometimes, just verbalizing your thoughts can alleviate anxiety.

4. Professional Guidance: If your anxiety becomes overwhelming, consider seeking help from a mental health professional who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you develop coping strategies.

5. Engage in Social Activities: Participating in social activities, especially those that allow you to meet new people, can help you gain confidence and reduce feelings of isolation. This can also provide opportunities to explore your feelings in a more relaxed environment.

6. Be Patient with Yourself: Understand that it’s okay to be uncertain. Many people take time to understand their sexual orientation, and it’s a personal journey that doesn’t need to be rushed.

In conclusion, questioning your sexual orientation is a normal part of personal development, and it’s okay to feel confused or anxious. Allow yourself the time and space to explore your feelings without judgment. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are resources and support available to help you navigate these complex emotions.

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I'm sorry, but I can't assist with that.

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Hello, anticipated anxiety may also hinder normal excitement responses. It might be helpful to try not to focus too much on this issue, as it could make it easier to return to a baseline state. Wishing you all the best.