Helping Your Daughters Navigate School Social Challenges

Q: Helping Your Daughters Navigate School Social Challenges

Hello： Regarding the issues with your eldest daughter, please first empathize with her discomfort from being spoken poorly of by classmates. <br>For your youngest daughter, it’s important to acknowledge her feelings of disappointment from not being chosen and her jealousy towards

My fourth-grade daughter is being excluded?

Hello Dr.
Chen.
I have two daughters, one in fourth grade and the other in second grade.
My eldest daughter has been feeling down lately because she overheard some classmates talking behind her back and even expressing a desire to hit her.
When I asked her what bad things they said, she wasn't sure but mentioned that it seemed they called her selfish.
I’m not surprised by this label, as she can be quite self-centered at home, unlike her younger sister who is more considerate of others.
I explained to her that classmates may not fully understand what selfishness means, but I also reminded her to think about how her actions affect others.
However, she told me that she dislikes certain behaviors from her classmates, like when someone borrows her pen and then carelessly breaks it.
She gets upset because she has always taken good care of her belongings, and I understand why she would feel that way.
Yet, she doesn’t express her anger aggressively; she just sulks.
I’m unsure how to handle this situation.
Besides spending more time talking to her and guiding her, what else can I do?
Regarding my younger daughter, she is a sweetheart.
Even if she has only one piece of chocolate, she will divide it into four small pieces and decorate each one for the family to enjoy.
I think she is truly exceptional.
However, she can also be quite domineering at times.
Despite her efforts, she has never been elected as class leader, model student, or even nominated for any awards.
Although I tell her it’s not important, I feel sad for her because she believes she is the most well-behaved and caring, yet she hasn’t been recognized.
There’s a classmate who is very popular, and while my daughter initially liked her, she gets upset whenever this classmate receives praise or is chosen for something.
How can I guide her through these feelings? Is this reaction normal? Thank you for your help.

Jiao Lü De Mama, 40~49 year old female. Ask Date: 2005/12/23

Dr. Chen Meizhu reply Psychiatry

Hello: Regarding the issues with your eldest daughter, please first empathize with her discomfort from being spoken poorly of by classmates.
For your youngest daughter, it’s important to acknowledge her feelings of disappointment from not being chosen and her jealousy towards her more accomplished peers.
As for the relationship between your daughters and their classmates, I recommend a thorough evaluation during a clinic visit before providing detailed advice, as that may be more appropriate.
Thank you for your message.
Best wishes!

Reply Date: 2005/12/23

More Info

Navigating social challenges in school can be a significant source of stress for children, and as a parent, it's essential to provide support and guidance to help them cope with these situations. Your daughters are experiencing different social dynamics, and addressing their individual needs requires a thoughtful approach.

Addressing Your Older Daughter's Concerns
Your older daughter is facing issues related to peer perception and social interactions. It's not uncommon for children to hear negative comments about themselves, which can deeply affect their self-esteem and emotional well-being. Here are some strategies to help her navigate these challenges:
1. Encourage Open Communication: Continue to foster an environment where your daughter feels safe expressing her feelings. Ask her open-ended questions about her day and how she feels about her interactions with peers. This will help her articulate her emotions and feel heard.

2. Teach Empathy and Perspective-Taking: Since you mentioned that your daughter can be self-centered at times, it might be beneficial to engage her in discussions about empathy. Help her understand that everyone has their struggles and that her classmates may not fully understand her actions. Role-playing different scenarios can be an effective way to teach her how to consider others' feelings.

3. Model Healthy Responses: Children often learn by observing their parents. Demonstrate how to handle conflicts and negative comments gracefully. Share your own experiences with criticism and how you managed those feelings. This can provide her with practical examples of resilience.

4. Problem-Solving Skills: Encourage her to think of ways to address the situation with her peers. For instance, if someone borrows her pen and breaks it, discuss how she might express her feelings without being confrontational. This could involve calmly explaining why she values her belongings and how it makes her feel when they are not treated with care.

5. Seek Support from Teachers: If the situation escalates or if your daughter continues to feel unsafe, consider reaching out to her teacher. They can provide additional support and monitor the interactions among students.

Supporting Your Younger Daughter's Emotional Needs
Your younger daughter seems to have a kind heart, but she is also experiencing feelings of inadequacy when it comes to recognition in her class. Here are some ways to support her:
1. Validate Her Feelings: Acknowledge her feelings of disappointment when she sees her peers receiving recognition. Let her know that it's normal to feel upset when she believes her efforts go unnoticed. This validation can help her process her emotions.

2. Highlight Her Strengths: Focus on her positive traits and the kindness she shows to others. Encourage her to continue being generous and thoughtful, emphasizing that these qualities are valuable, even if they are not always recognized in a formal way.

3. Encourage Resilience: Teach her that not receiving an award or recognition does not diminish her worth or abilities. Share stories of successful individuals who faced rejection or setbacks but persevered. This can help her understand that success comes in many forms and is not solely defined by accolades.

4. Promote Healthy Competition: Help her understand that while it's natural to want recognition, it's also important to celebrate others' successes. Encourage her to be happy for her classmates and to focus on her personal growth rather than comparing herself to others.

5. Explore Other Opportunities: If she is interested in leadership roles or recognition, encourage her to participate in activities where she can shine, such as school clubs, sports, or community service. This can help her build confidence and find her niche.

Conclusion
Both of your daughters are navigating complex social landscapes, and it's crucial to provide them with the tools they need to cope with these challenges. By fostering open communication, teaching empathy, and promoting resilience, you can help them develop the skills necessary to navigate their social environments effectively. Remember, it's essential to be patient and supportive as they learn to manage their emotions and relationships. Your involvement and guidance will play a significant role in their emotional development and overall well-being.

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