How to Stop Worrying About Others' Opinions and Find Yourself

Caring about others?

How can I stop being so concerned about what others think? My friends say that when they listen to me, it seems like my entire life revolves around worrying about how others perceive me when they share their life struggles.
Is this behavior acceptable? I worry about being criticized, about not doing well, and about not meeting expectations.
My friends point out that I often criticize myself before anyone else has the chance to do so.
I don't understand why I act this way, even though I know it causes me pain.
I find it difficult to reflect on what I truly think and want.
I feel lost because I don't know what I want or what I enjoy doing.
For instance, watching TV might make me happy, but that feels more like a leisure activity than something I genuinely want to pursue.
I struggle to identify my interests or activities that bring me joy, and the more I think about it, the more frustrated I become.
Why don't I even know what I want? What can I do to discover my desires? Although I sometimes perform well in daily life because I care about others, I still feel a deep internal conflict about why I am so preoccupied with others' opinions and why I overthink things.
This bothers me, but I can still manage my daily activities.
I just feel troubled by this self-criticism.
What is wrong with me, and what can I do? I really need guidance and advice, and I am willing to put in the effort to improve.
Thank you.

sine, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2011/09/02

Dr. Lin Junyuan reply Psychiatry

Hello, no need to be polite.
Online consultations really cannot provide substantial guidance.
I can offer you some concepts: if you are simply concerned about others and it affects your emotions, aside from work, you might consider arranging activities that suit you in your life to shift your focus.
Activities such as exercise or volunteering are very appropriate.
From your letter, it seems that in addition to being concerned about others, there are other factors affecting your mood.
Are you experiencing a lack of motivation, an inability to feel joy, or more negative thoughts? If so, and if this has been ongoing for a while, you might consider visiting a mental health clinic for an evaluation of your depression levels.
Wishing you all the best!

Reply Date: 2011/09/02

More Info

To stop worrying about others' opinions and to find yourself, it's essential to understand the underlying reasons for your concerns and how they manifest in your daily life. Many people struggle with self-doubt and the fear of judgment, which can lead to a cycle of anxiety and self-criticism. Here are some strategies to help you navigate these feelings and begin to focus more on your own needs and desires.

Understanding the Root Causes
1. Self-Perception and Past Experiences: Often, our worries about how others perceive us stem from past experiences, particularly during formative years. If you grew up in an environment where approval was conditional or where mistakes were harshly criticized, you might have developed a heightened sensitivity to others' opinions. Reflecting on these experiences can help you understand why you feel the way you do.

2. Fear of Rejection: The fear of being disliked or rejected is a common human experience. It’s important to recognize that everyone has their insecurities, and most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to scrutinize yours as closely as you might think.

Strategies to Overcome Worrying About Others
1. Shift Your Focus: Instead of concentrating on how others might perceive you, try to redirect your attention to your own feelings and thoughts. Ask yourself what you genuinely enjoy or what makes you happy, rather than what you think will please others. This could involve exploring hobbies, interests, or activities that resonate with you.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that it's okay to make mistakes and that no one is perfect. When you catch yourself being overly critical, try to reframe those thoughts. Instead of saying, "I messed up," consider saying, "I did my best, and that’s enough."
3. Limit Social Media Exposure: Social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and comparison. Consider taking breaks from social media platforms or curating your feeds to include positive and uplifting content that inspires you rather than makes you feel judged.

4. Engage in Mindfulness Practices: Mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce anxiety about others' opinions. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or yoga can help ground you in the moment and foster a sense of inner peace.

5. Seek Professional Guidance: If your worries about others' opinions are significantly impacting your quality of life, consider speaking with a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage anxiety, improve self-esteem, and develop healthier thought patterns.

Finding Yourself
1. Explore Your Interests: Take time to discover what you truly enjoy. This might involve trying new activities, taking classes, or simply spending time reflecting on what brings you joy. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this exploration.

2. Set Personal Goals: Define what success looks like for you, independent of others' expectations. Setting personal goals can help you focus on your own aspirations and achievements rather than comparing yourself to others.

3. Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build a network of friends and family who uplift you and encourage your individuality. Positive relationships can help reinforce your sense of self-worth and reduce the fear of judgment.

4. Accept Imperfection: Understand that everyone has flaws and that perfection is unattainable. Embrace your uniqueness and recognize that your experiences and perspectives are valuable.

Conclusion
Ultimately, the journey to stop worrying about others' opinions and to find yourself is a process that requires patience and self-reflection. By implementing these strategies, you can gradually shift your focus from external validation to internal fulfillment. Remember, it's perfectly normal to seek approval from others, but it's crucial to balance that with a strong sense of self and personal happiness. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, and allow yourself the grace to grow and evolve without the weight of others' expectations.

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