Overcoming Excessive Attachment to Success: Finding Balance in Self-Worth

Excessive attachment to gains and losses?

How can I avoid being overly concerned about gains and losses, as it causes me to focus too much on others and prevents me from fully realizing my potential and being the best version of myself? It feels almost like an obsession; I find myself envying and being jealous of others, yet I end up acting in the opposite way, smiling and wishing them well.
When it comes time for exams, I put aside my own responsibilities to help others, going to extremes as if this can offset my guilt (a mix of envy and fear of others succeeding).
It seems that by helping others, I can alleviate this guilt, but this behavior feels excessive.
When the other person succeeds, I suddenly feel as if I have been a mere facilitator for their achievements.
I question whether my help was genuine or just a way to soothe my own anxiety.
(However, my assistance is always sincere and beneficial; it’s just that those I help often perform better than I do, leading to feelings of regret.) This pattern keeps repeating.
If I don’t help, I feel uneasy, yet I also feel sad when I need help and others are unavailable.
I realize that I deeply desire the same support from others, which leads me to pressure myself to meet those expectations.
Over time, this has resulted in a greater sense of disappointment.
I wish to view my contributions as gifts, understanding that the greatest benefit is to myself.
Yet, I still experience a lingering sadness, a subtle sorrow that makes me feel inadequate in social interactions.
No matter how I engage, it seems wrong, and I end up feeling hurt.
What can I do to feel at ease? I believe if I can overcome this hurdle within myself, everything will fall into place.
Thank you.

sī, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2012/07/09

Dr. Zhang Jiafen reply Psychiatry

Hello, it is normal for everyone to wish to be the center of attention, and feeling envy or jealousy towards others' outstanding performances is a common reaction.
I hope you can first accept this fact.
Additionally, you mentioned that your strong desire for how others perceive you can indeed cause you a lot of distress, as it means you are not being your true self.
Friendships formed under such circumstances may be based on a shaky understanding, which could lead to the concern of why friendships sometimes easily deteriorate.
Furthermore, you mentioned that you sometimes feel compelled to meet others' needs to alleviate feelings of guilt.
This aspect may depend on the situation; if you know that your actions are unreasonable but feel compelled to do things you dislike to reduce your anxiety, and if this consumes a lot of your time, it may indicate a possibility of obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
Therefore, I recommend that you consider visiting a mental health clinic to discuss your feelings with a physician.
Wishing you all the best.

Reply Date: 2012/07/09

More Info

Overcoming excessive attachment to success and finding balance in self-worth is a challenge many individuals face, particularly in a society that often equates personal value with achievements. Your feelings of envy and guilt when comparing yourself to others are common, but they can lead to a cycle of self-doubt and dissatisfaction. Here are some strategies to help you navigate these emotions and cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself and your accomplishments.

Understanding Your Emotions
First, it's essential to acknowledge that feelings of envy and guilt are natural human emotions. They often arise when we perceive others as more successful or capable. However, it's crucial to recognize that these feelings can distort your self-image and hinder your ability to appreciate your own achievements. Instead of viewing others' successes as a reflection of your inadequacies, try to see them as opportunities for inspiration. Remember, everyone has their unique journey, and comparing your path to someone else's can be misleading and detrimental.

Shift Your Focus
One effective way to combat the negative effects of comparison is to shift your focus from others to yourself. Set personal goals based on your values and aspirations rather than societal expectations or peer achievements. Reflect on your strengths, skills, and past accomplishments. Consider keeping a journal where you document your daily achievements, no matter how small. This practice can help reinforce your sense of self-worth and remind you that you are capable of growth and success in your own right.

Embrace Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a powerful tool in overcoming feelings of inadequacy. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend facing similar challenges. When you find yourself feeling guilty for not helping others or for feeling envious, remind yourself that it's okay to prioritize your well-being. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and allow yourself to experience them fully. This acceptance can reduce the intensity of negative emotions and help you move forward.

Redefine Success
Consider redefining what success means to you. Instead of measuring success solely by external achievements, incorporate internal metrics such as personal growth, resilience, and happiness. Ask yourself what truly matters to you and what brings you joy. This shift in perspective can help alleviate the pressure to constantly compete with others and allow you to focus on your journey.

Set Boundaries
It's commendable that you want to help others, but it's essential to set boundaries to protect your own mental health. Helping others should not come at the expense of your well-being. Learn to say no when you feel overwhelmed or when helping others detracts from your own goals. Establishing boundaries can help you maintain a sense of balance and ensure that your efforts to support others do not lead to resentment or burnout.

Seek Support
If you find that these feelings of inadequacy and comparison are overwhelming, consider seeking support from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these emotions and develop coping strategies tailored to your needs. A therapist can help you identify underlying beliefs that contribute to your feelings of inadequacy and guide you in reframing your thoughts.

Conclusion
In conclusion, overcoming excessive attachment to success and finding balance in self-worth is a journey that requires patience and self-reflection. By shifting your focus inward, embracing self-compassion, redefining success, setting boundaries, and seeking support, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself and your achievements. Remember, your worth is not determined by your accomplishments but by who you are as a person. Embrace your unique journey, and allow yourself the grace to grow and evolve without the burden of comparison.

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