Anxiety and Isolation: A Journey Through Mental Health Struggles - Psychiatry

What is wrong with me?

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I'm introverted and withdrawn, and I don't dare to do anything.
People treat me like an idiot; this is not acceptable, and that is not acceptable.
I am constantly mocked and bullied, which makes me feel frustrated, anxious, depressed, and on the verge of tears.
I feel dazed and shrink away, afraid of everything, and it drives me crazy.
I feel like an idiot being bullied all the time.
I've been very withdrawn since childhood.
Others say I have autism.
My elementary school teacher publicly criticized me for being too well-behaved, which made me cry.
When I was young, my parents sold fish and took me running from the police.
In elementary school, I was extorted by a group of people in the park, which scared me so much that I became dazed.
I was hit by a car from behind and didn't even say anything.
After that, in middle school, I became overweight.
My classmates called me withdrawn, fat, smelly, and said I snored.
There were many delinquents in my class who made noise, extorted, and fought.
Even the female teacher didn't teach; when a male teacher came in, he wanted me to be a class officer.
I didn't want to, so he told me to take care of myself, saying I was the most suitable at home.
He thought I would change when I grew up.
I said I couldn't hear well in class, and the teacher said it was just psychological; I should go to the hospital for a check-up.
During the sports day, I wore my uniform, and the teacher told me to switch with someone named Li Jiayi, which was clearly an insult.
I said I couldn't run, and he told me not to worry, that I wouldn't have to run.
He made me stay in the classroom to clean.
At that time, I was in a bad mood and threw chalk in the classroom.
I was bullied by my classmates, and the teacher only said not to bully others and not to let others bully us.
When I told my parents I wanted to transfer schools, my father just said that prison is darker (he had been imprisoned for gambling and disturbing the peace).
In middle school, I played badminton and had to compensate a classmate for an accident.
Later, I transferred to a vocational class in middle school, but it was still the same teacher, and I couldn't escape this environment.
In high school, I was elected as the discipline officer in my skills class.
Because of my previous experiences, I didn't refuse, but due to my introversion, I was afraid to manage, and the teacher said I was just a figurehead.
I didn't want to attend civic training, and the instructor said I thought I could avoid military service.
One night, I was hit by a motorcycle during class, and I didn't say anything.
After graduation, I didn't continue my studies or find a job.
When my grandmother passed away and we held the funeral, relatives commented on my weight.
During the funeral, they said I should go too.
While waiting for military service at a computer training center, after moving, I needed to call to ask about internet installation.
The community chairperson, who lived downstairs, overheard my call and spread rumors about me conspiring to bring people over.
When a car broke down downstairs, he also spread rumors that I had caused it.
I felt anxious and scared.
Later, due to my physical condition, I was assigned to alternative military service and during training at Chenggong Ridge, my fellow alternative service members told me not to snore, or they would stuff socks in my mouth, saying I should eat well and take it easy.
They called me smelly and reported me to the counseling officer, who scolded me to take a shower, asking what I learned there.
During the selection for military service, I forgot to bring my documents.
The college students were selected first, and I could only choose from the leftovers.
I chose the Taipei City Police Department, but I was disqualified due to my physical condition.
They said I couldn't even speak properly.
I explained that my documents were at home, and the police said if they were at home, then they were at home, and I couldn't even speak properly but still wanted to be selected.
Eventually, I was assigned to the last remaining unit, the 5th Security Brigade, which was responsible for riot control and required me to be stationed in Kaohsiung, while my home was in Taipei.
When I arrived at the Renwu Camp in Kaohsiung, my superiors said I seemed strange and didn't talk to anyone.
They initially planned to reprimand me.
In Kaohsiung, there were only twenty people from north of Taichung, and I was constantly criticized for being a Taipei person, with comments like "Taipei people are mute," "Taipei people step on others and don't apologize," "Taipei people take things without asking," "Taipei people also need to eat," "Taipei people can also take a day off," and "Taipei people smell." While on guard duty, some people even tried to climb over the wall to escape, remembering my name and telling me not to report.
After six months of training, I was transferred to Gangshan Camp, where I assisted a female police officer with personnel affairs, and I was happy to work on the computer.
I sent a text message to thank her for her care and wished her a Merry Christmas.
The female officer scolded me, saying the deputy hadn't told me how much care I should receive and that phone calls were free.
After hearing this, I told my old deputy that the female officer was very angry.
I spoke to my old deputy in Taiwanese, saying the female officer said the deputy hadn't told me and that I should expect care.
I shouldn't write again.
I made another mistake, and my deputy said she was right; she didn't like it, so I shouldn't write again.
Later, the female officer privately told me that I should have said something earlier.
She thought I wouldn't write again.
You young people think it's nothing, but I care.
Don't be sad; I also care.
You really shouldn't assist with internal affairs.
At that time, I agreed.
Later, I asked her if she still wanted me as her assistant, and she said I wasn't supposed to tell the deputy.
If I still wanted to tell the deputy, I asked her if she didn't trust me.
She said no, I was doing well.
As a result, I told the deputy, and when I returned, she replaced me.
If there was something, she would call me.
When the computer broke, she asked if someone had broken it.
I leaned on the railing, and someone kept bumping into me from behind.
If I didn't lend money, they would say something.
If I didn't have bus fare and borrowed money, no one would lend it to me.
From that moment on, I kept walking back and forth, thinking.
I felt there was something wrong with my mental state.
I told my superiors I wanted psychological counseling, and they asked if I was overthinking.
Why think so much? There were many derogatory comments, and people said I couldn't even support myself, so how could I support others? I wasn't taller or more handsome than others.
When people saw me, they said, "It's this guy." I thought about suicide and jumping off a building.
Later, I was also not kept in internal affairs and was transferred to external duties, constantly being moved around.
In the police station, I saw many incidents of gunfights, car accidents, fires, thefts, robberies, assaults, disturbances, drunkenness, domestic violence, protests, inspections, and the dark side of society often on TV.
Whenever there was a report, I had to go, and I felt very scared.
I was even spat on, burned, kicked, and beaten.
They said I looked useless, helping with the computer, and called me a waste.
When the computer broke, they said I wouldn't be able to pretend to be useful.
In external duties, there were alternative service members who wanted to give me drugs.
Outside, someone asked me if I wanted to pick up women, which scared me.
I was also threatened by police officers at the station, saying they could pin cases on me, calling me names, saying I was deliberately causing trouble and didn't want to work, so I should take leave.
They said, "Do you think Chen Shui-bian's daughter would marry you? The chairman's daughter would marry you in your next life." They said I had an Oedipus complex and lacked maternal love.
I felt like a real fool.
My bulletproof vest went missing, and I had to pay for it and was forced to take three days off.
I wanted to return to the camp, but my superiors said it was good that we had to pay.
Police officers had to be reprimanded, saying it was freer outside, and when I returned, I had to go out for drills.
I didn't want to stay at the police station and spent every night walking around outside, with everyone saying I was strange.
I followed the duty roster but was still called a fool.
My mind kept replaying the same words and events.
After discharge, it remained the same.
I went to my sister's factory, working twelve-hour shifts without breaks for four days, with no year-end bonus.
I stood for twelve hours and was constantly yelled at, my mind racing with past events.
Later, I went to the employment service center, which found me some factory jobs, but I felt a sense of fear towards factories and didn't know the way.
I had no scooter and had to take the bus.
The people at the service center wanted me to submit forms, but I didn't dare go, and it ended up unresolved.
Then Carrefour wanted me to go, but when I went, they didn't want me.
It's been over four years, and I still can't find a job.
I keep receiving calls from places wanting me to apply, but they don't provide company names, and the locations are remote.
They say they want to hide and not let people know, and they say it's not like I'm being asked to sell anything.
I'm also afraid of being scammed.
When I go out, people look at me and say I'm strange.
At home, my mother talks to me in a derogatory manner, and I can't stand it.
My father left home with another woman and came back.
I feel like I'm constantly being bullied, played with, scammed, and chased away, which makes me very frustrated.
Psychologically, I feel anxious and scared.
I don't know what to do; I think about stealing, robbing, killing, and hitting people, but I don't dare to do anything.
I'm afraid of everything.

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Guai Guai, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2009/06/28