Breaking Free: Overcoming Family Pressure and Emotional Conflict

Q: Breaking Free: Overcoming Family Pressure and Emotional Conflict

Hello SEL： You care about your father, but his beliefs and behaviors make you uncomfortable. <br>You don't want to be affected by his negative emotions, yet you sympathize with his loneliness from being disregarded by his children. <br>This internal conflict drains your energy, l

How to remain unaffected?

As a child, with many siblings at home, whenever we all got sick or faced consecutive issues, my dad would often say, "What's going on? Why are there so many problems? Why is everything going wrong? What have we done to deserve this?" When it came to health issues, he would adopt a somewhat patriarchal approach, believing that certain treatments, like a particular massage therapy he favored, were worth spending thousands of dollars on because he thought they were effective.
If family members expressed discomfort or dissatisfaction, he would insist that it was our fault, claiming that the treatment was indeed beneficial.
Sometimes, he would suggest we take traditional Chinese medicine, and I would think, "Isn't it risky to take this without proper guidance? Could it lead to metabolic burdens?" However, refusing to take it seemed like questioning his judgment, which he believed was for our own good, and I would even get scolded for coughing, as it was seen as a consequence of not following his advice.
Although at times I would quietly choose not to take the medicine, it would lead to anger directed at me, making me feel unhappy.
Everything seemed to indicate that he did not allow anyone to question his decisions or arrangements.
This made me hesitant to express any discomfort, as I feared that he would react negatively, especially during tough economic times when he felt that everything was going wrong, including our health.
He would get angry, and while he might care about us, his anger added significant pressure.
I felt that communication with my father was difficult.
I was also facing job instability, which scared me, but I worried about how he would feel if I lost my job and had nothing to tell others about my work.
This created a dual pressure on me; I didn’t want to be affected by his judgments, yet I found myself deeply concerned about his opinions.
At nearly 30 years old, I felt frustrated that I was still so influenced by my family.
I felt like I hadn’t grown up, and I was angry at myself for this.
Sometimes, I felt that not listening to him made me seem unfilial.
My younger siblings had grown up and seemed indifferent to my dad, which I envied at times, but I also felt sorry for him, as no one listened to him.
Sometimes, my siblings would say things like, "Who wants a dad like that?" This imbalance made me wonder why they could rebel while I felt I couldn’t allow myself to do the same, leading to inner conflict.
How could I find my own path and do what I believed was right without feeling guilty? Is this a flaw in my character? Is it an obsession?
For instance, I dislike my dad playing the lottery, yet I feel conflicted inside.
If he spends his own money and finds joy in it, chatting with friends, why should I be unhappy? Why do I get angry about his seemingly speculative attitude towards gambling? Especially during the lottery draw, when he has that eager expression, and then the rapid disappointment afterward—it’s not my situation, yet I feel affected.
Sometimes, I have to be the one to check the results, and I see his changing expressions, which impacts my emotions.
Why do I feel frustrated about him playing the lottery, but not about playing the lottery in general? Isn’t that my issue? I don’t want to be affected, yet I find that if I follow my dad’s wishes and see his satisfied smile, I feel a bit better, even though I’m internally struggling.
This conflict is exhausting.
How can I adjust to this situation?

sel, 20~29 year old female. Ask Date: 2010/01/19

Dr. Chen Yuying reply Psychiatry

Hello SEL: You care about your father, but his beliefs and behaviors make you uncomfortable.
You don't want to be affected by his negative emotions, yet you sympathize with his loneliness from being disregarded by his children.
This internal conflict drains your energy, leaving you feeling exhausted and in pain.
What you can try is to "allow yourself to be influenced by your father." If your father plays the lottery, it's perfectly valid for you to feel angry about his stubbornness.
You can also feel sad when he smiles with satisfaction.
It's your right—your right as a human being and as a daughter—to allow yourself to experience these emotions.
Regardless of how your siblings or peers behave, you are your own person.
If you find it difficult, you can start by saying this aloud to the screen: "I allow myself to feel angry because of certain actions of my father." "I allow myself to feel better by making my father happy." Give it a try; saying it out loud will change how you feel.
Dr.
Chen

Reply Date: 2010/01/19

More Info

Navigating family dynamics, especially in a high-pressure environment, can be incredibly challenging. Your experiences reflect a common struggle many individuals face when trying to assert their independence while managing familial expectations and emotional conflicts. Here are some insights and strategies that may help you break free from these pressures and find a healthier emotional balance.

Understanding Family Dynamics
Family relationships are often complex and layered with expectations, traditions, and emotional histories. In your case, it seems that your father's authoritative and sometimes dismissive approach to health and well-being creates an environment where you feel unable to express your own needs or concerns. This can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and even guilt, especially when you perceive that your father’s happiness is contingent on your compliance with his views.

It's important to recognize that your feelings are valid. The pressure to conform to family expectations can lead to a sense of losing your own identity. This is particularly true when you feel that your worth is tied to your father's approval or when you fear his reactions to your choices.

Strategies for Breaking Free
1. Establish Boundaries: One of the most effective ways to manage family pressure is to establish clear boundaries. This means communicating what you are comfortable with and what you are not. For instance, if you feel that your father’s comments about your health are unhelpful or hurtful, it’s okay to express that. You might say something like, “I appreciate your concern, but I need to make my own health decisions.”
2. Practice Self-Compassion: It’s crucial to be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s normal to feel conflicted about your family dynamics. Allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. Journaling can be a helpful tool for processing these feelings. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your family interactions, which can help clarify your emotions and reduce their intensity.

3. Seek Support: Talking to someone outside of your family, such as a therapist or counselor, can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. They can help you work through the guilt you feel about wanting to assert your independence and help you navigate your relationship with your father more effectively.

4. Focus on Personal Goals: Redirect your energy towards your own goals and interests. This can help you build a sense of identity that is separate from your family. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it’s pursuing a hobby, advancing your career, or spending time with friends who support you.

5. Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation: Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your emotional triggers and reactions. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can help you manage stress and anxiety. When you feel overwhelmed by your father's behavior or comments, take a moment to breathe deeply and ground yourself before responding.

6. Reframe Your Perspective: Try to view your father’s behavior through a lens of empathy. Understanding that his actions may stem from his own fears or insecurities can help you detach emotionally from his reactions. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it can help you respond with less emotional charge.

7. Communicate Openly: When you feel ready, consider having an open conversation with your father about how his comments affect you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel anxious when I hear comments about my health because I want to make my own choices.”

Conclusion
Breaking free from family pressure and emotional conflict is a journey that requires patience and self-reflection. It’s about finding your voice and asserting your needs while navigating the complexities of family relationships. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and pursue a life that aligns with your values and desires. Seeking professional help can provide you with the tools and support necessary to make this journey more manageable. You are not alone in this struggle, and taking steps towards self-empowerment is a significant and commendable choice.

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