Mental Struggles: Why Change Feels Impossible

Why won't you listen?

My friend said something to me that really hurt because I feel so powerless.
I want to change and improve, but it's not something I can just do immediately because a friend has talked to me about it countless times.
They wonder why I don’t listen, but I truly believe that if changing my mindset were as simple as a few conversations, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
Why can’t I listen? Why am I so stubborn? I don’t want to be this way, but I don’t know why.

When I feel like there’s nothing to worry about, I actually feel uneasy and find it strange, which leads me to seek out things to worry about.
My body also reacts; I might catch a cold, have a runny nose, cough, or a sore throat.
Once I feel better, I might start to feel something odd in my stomach or get dizzy.
I end up looking for problems to have something to be concerned about.

Someone once told me that this is a sign of an unbalanced mind, which makes me wonder if that’s true.
I want to get better, but I naturally feel like I’m not good enough, and I always feel inadequate.
When my friend asks me, “Isn’t that enough? Why don’t you listen?” it really pains me because I don’t understand why my heart doesn’t follow my mind.
I want to improve, be happy, and live well, yet I still feel exhausted every day.
Even when I go to get a haircut, people I meet for the first time say, “You look so tired.”
Such comments only make me feel more drained because I don’t understand why I always feel so tired.
I lack energy, probably because I’m constantly worrying.
I don’t want to hold onto these worries, but I can’t help but cling to them.
My friends don’t want to talk to me anymore; they don’t want to respond.
What should I do?

sie, 30~39 year old female. Ask Date: 2011/05/08

Dr. Ding Shuyan reply Psychiatry

Hello, I believe that everyone, including myself, has certain obsessions or habits that are difficult to change.
It depends on whether these obsessions or habits help us adapt better, live happily, and interact pleasantly with others.
For instance, having a fixed routine of hiking every morning is a habit, just like starting the day with alcohol.
From a psychological perspective, these two behaviors share some similarities, yet the outcomes are vastly different.
If someone points out that we have some undesirable habits that we refuse to acknowledge, it might be worth considering what can be transformed.
We can aim to replace harmful habits with those that are less harmful or even beneficial.
Of course, many issues are not that simple, which is why we have conditions like alcohol addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or even delusions—deeply ingrained issues that are difficult to eliminate and may require the assistance of professionals or medication.
The letter did not specify what issues are being ignored, so it may be helpful to consult a physician in an outpatient setting to explore possible solutions.
Wishing you all the best, Dr.
Ding Shuo-Yan.

Reply Date: 2011/05/08

More Info

It sounds like you are experiencing a complex interplay of emotions and mental struggles that can be quite overwhelming. Your feelings of frustration, helplessness, and self-doubt are common among individuals dealing with anxiety and depression. Understanding why change feels impossible can be a crucial step toward finding a path to improvement.

Firstly, it's important to recognize that change is often a gradual process rather than an instantaneous transformation. Many people, including yourself, may feel stuck in their current mindset or emotional state, even when they genuinely want to change. This feeling of being "stuck" can stem from various factors, including deeply ingrained thought patterns, past experiences, and even biological predispositions.

One of the key concepts in psychology is the idea of cognitive distortions, which are irrational thought patterns that can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. For instance, you mentioned that you often feel like you are not good enough, which is a common cognitive distortion known as "all-or-nothing thinking." This type of thinking can lead to a cycle of negative self-talk, where you continuously reinforce your feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward challenging and changing them.

Moreover, the pressure to change can sometimes create a paradoxical effect, where the more you try to force change, the more resistant you may feel. This is often referred to as "reactance," a psychological response where individuals resist perceived threats to their autonomy. When friends or loved ones encourage you to change, it may inadvertently increase your feelings of frustration and helplessness, leading to a cycle of resistance.

Another aspect to consider is the role of emotional regulation. You mentioned that when you feel calm, you become anxious about not having anything to worry about. This could indicate a reliance on anxiety as a form of emotional regulation. For some individuals, anxiety can feel more familiar or comfortable than the uncertainty of being at peace. Learning to tolerate discomfort and finding healthy coping mechanisms can be beneficial in breaking this cycle.

Physical symptoms, such as feeling tired or unwell, can also be manifestations of your mental state. The mind-body connection is powerful; stress and anxiety can lead to physical symptoms, creating a feedback loop that reinforces your feelings of being overwhelmed. Engaging in self-care practices, such as regular exercise, mindfulness, and adequate sleep, can help improve both your mental and physical well-being.

It's also crucial to seek professional help if you haven't already. A mental health professional can provide you with tailored strategies to address your specific concerns, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which is effective in challenging negative thought patterns and developing healthier coping mechanisms. Therapy can also provide a safe space to explore your feelings and experiences without judgment.

Lastly, remember that it's okay to take small steps toward change. Setting realistic and achievable goals can help you build confidence and momentum. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and be gentle with yourself during this journey. Change is not linear, and setbacks are a natural part of the process.

In conclusion, understanding the complexities of your mental struggles is the first step toward finding a way forward. By recognizing cognitive distortions, addressing emotional regulation, and seeking professional support, you can begin to navigate your feelings of frustration and helplessness. Change may feel impossible at times, but with patience and the right tools, it is achievable.

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